​CORNERED ZOOKEEPER CUTS OFF
OWN ARM TO FEED LIONS…
​AND THEY’RE NOT HUNGRY!

TUSCALOOSA – Embittered zookeeper, Horace Finster, is trying not to look a gift horse in the mouth, even if it’s a pack of ferocious lions!
 
“I was cleanin’ up after them there big cat fellas what like I always do,” Finster said as he applied pressure to his spurting, open wound. “But I done musta been distracted or sumptin’ cuz next thing you know, Ima backed up in the corner like a turd in a toilet!”
 
Surrounded by the Tuscaloosa Zoo’s prize pride of lions and fearing for his life, Finster did the only thing he could think of to save his own life; he cut off his arm and tossed it to the beasts.
 
“I remembert when that there actor James Franco done got his arm stuck on a rock for 721 hours or somethin’ and he went and used an ice skate in a FedEx box to hack off his hand,” Finster explained as he floated in and out of consciousness. “So I done figure what’s good fer the goose is good fer the gander and even more better for the king of the jungle and slam, bam, thank you ma’am, I whack off my left arm.”
 
Finster was shocked, to say the least, when the lions sniffed gingerly at his severed appendage and then wandered away.
 
“Found out after the fact and whatnot that they just done been fed and t’weren’t hungry no how,” Finster chuckled as the paramedics loaded him into the ambulance. “So I guess the joke’s on me, huh?”
 
Witnesses on scene say there was an open door behind Finster the entire time, but he didn’t seem to notice it as he used his car keys to cut and slice and hack at his mangled, bloody arm.
 
“It’s such a shame,” said Martin Sykes, a father of two who watched the incident occur. “I rarely get time to take the kids to the zoo and it would have been wonderful if they could have seen the circle of life unfold right before their eyes, but nope. Guess I’m just not that lucky.”