SPACE ALIEN JUST WANTS TO BE HELDIn a joint statement released Tuesday, the United States military and NASA have verified evidence of intelligent life in the universe.
“We can no longer consider ourselves to be unique in the universe,” said a spokesman of some sort. “We are one of potentially millions or billions of intelligent species.” Details about the government’s findings are slim, but reporters have confirmed that a living extraterrestrial creature has been seen on Earth’s surface. The alien, first spotted in the cornfields of a farm in rural Nebraska, made ...READ MORE |
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WHY MY WILLY IS LIKE
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UNKNOWN ACTRESS SLEEPS HER WAY TO THE BOTTOM
Long-time aspiring actress Stephanie Twinkle lamented to anyone who would listen at a local Starbucks last week that her dearth of memorable roles and acting opportunities is the result of her sleeping her way to the bottom.
“I feel like such a fool,” Twinkle said to no one in particular. “All this time I’ve been degrading myself for the opportunity to remain unknown when I should’ve been whoring it up to become a big star.” “It did strike me as odd,” said one slimeball producer who refused to be identified. “But who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?” “On the bright side,” Twinkle said as she got into the backseat of another bigwig’s limo, “When you’re at the bottom, there’s nowhere to go but up! Or possibly sideways while staying just as low.” |
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How To Have Sex With Abraham LincolnIf power is an aphrodisiac, then the power of the president is a potent mixture of oysters, a roofie, and Spanish Fly! Everybody wants to get a piece of presidential poon tang.
“There’s a party in my pants” pales compared to a POTUS in my pants. And who, hands down, is the most popular president in the history of this fine nation? Abraham Lincoln. Log splitter. Emancipator. Sex symbol. ...READ MORE |
TRUE TALES OF TERRORThe Smell of Success“That Benjamin Whiffer is such a weirdo, going around smelling things like some odor fetish freak!”
Benjamin sunk down lower in his seat, hoping his cruel coworkers didn’t sniff him out in the break room. He was not that lucky. “Well, well, well…or should I say smell, smell, smell… look who we have here!” ...READ MORE |
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INTELLIGENT SIGNAL FROM
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THINGS YOU CAN SAY ABOUT TRUMP
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MOVIE MONSTER PULLS CHILD INTO SCREEN: PARENTS DEMAND REFUNDBOSTON – The Martindale family was shocked when a visit to the Boston Fourteen Cinema Complex turned tragic as their son Barty was yanked out of his seat and into the movie screen by the titular monster of the feature film “The Thing with a Thousand Toes.”
“There we were, an upper middle class, straight, white, American family attempting to patronize our local movie establishment,” Mrs. Martindale explained while clutching her pearls, when out of nowhere, this thuggish looking creature reaches out of the screen and absconds with our first born. It is totally unacceptable.” “Yeah, what she said,” added Mr. Martindale ...SEE MORE |
BOY PULLED FROM WELL EATS RESCUERSThe elation of emergency personnel over the rescue of stranded toddler Jamie Jerkins from the bottom of a fifty foot well quickly turned to terror as the savage boy leapt at his rescuers and began to devour them alive.
“Teeth and blood. Blood and teeth. That’s all anyone could see,” said paramedic and part-time professional juggler Stu “the Blitz” McManey. ...SEE MORE |
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GHOST OF HOUDINI
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SHOULD I TIP?It’s weird. I just realized that I leave yearly tips for my mailman, the paper delivery boy, and the fellow who drops off the milk bottles. (Yes, it’s 1940.) But I’ve never left a tip for the guy that leaves flyers rubberbanded to my doorknob. I don’t put out money for the guy who steals my packages from Amazon. And I’ve never tipped the guy who slips in through backdoor late at night, creeps up the stairs, and spoons me until I fall back asleep. So why do I tip some people and stiff the rest?
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TRUE TALES OF TERRORConch Shell, Conch Hell!Reggie paced the docks anxiously as the fog rolled in like thick pea soup except that it was in the air instead of in a bowl, and it was cold, and it wasn’t soup. The stabbing beam of the lighthouse cut through the night, but couldn’t cut through the uncertainty in Reggie’s bones. ...SEE MORE
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It’s a common worry for new homeowners and for long-time residents as well: the fear that demonic entities are lurking just beneath the surface of your wallpaper. But other than bringing in an exorcist or a pricey interior designer, how can you know for sure? If you can answer honestly, this surefire questionnaire will let you know one way or the other if your home has been infested by hell’s underlings!
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FAMOUS WOMEN
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SURGEON GRAFTS SECOND SET OF HANDS TO FOOTLESS FATHERIn what the American Medical Association is calling a “royal sh*t show,” a surgeon in Minneapolis decided to graft a set of hands onto the leg stumps of a man who was understandably expecting new feet. “Imagine my surprise when I woke up and looked down at my hands,” the patient said. “In one hand, I held the hospital bed railing. In another, I clutched the nurse’s call button. I n another, I absentmindedly twirled a pen and in the fourth I snapped my fingers along to a catchy ditty on the radio. It was shocking!” ...SEE MORE |
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CONFESSIONS OF A SEXUAL PSYCHIC: SHE KNOWS WHAT
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WOMAN GIVES BIRTH TO BIGFOOT BABY!The birth in Oregon last week of a 36-inch long, 75-pound baby covered in thick orange hair has put both the Bigfoot enthusiast community and the loose amalgamation of conspiracy minded OB-GYNs into a rabid tizzy.
...SEE MORE |
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WHAT WOULD YOU PREFER?Would you rather eat a tasty hamburger that is horribly bad for you - OR - wedge an entire apple into your body somewhere other than your mouth?
Would you prefer to watch your child spend a lifetime pursuing a goal only to fail again and again - OR - watch them give up now and coast aimlessly for forty years? (Either way you can laugh at them.) ...SEE MORE |
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OZONE HOLE IS GOD’S PEEPHOLE:
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INNOCENT GOAT-MAN MISTAKEN FOR SATANHUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA - A local recluse, known only as Goat-Man for his bizarre farm-animal features, was mistaken for the Anti-Christ by a mob of vengeful church-goers.
"We'd just finished Sunday services when we saw the abomination come walking down the street like he owned the place," said Margaret Applebee, an elderly parishioner. “Horns. Cloven hooves. Maybe he didn't have a pitchfork or an obvious devotion to evil, but we knew who it was." ...SEE MORE |
THE BOWL OF MUSHBolivia looked at the bowl of mush. It was mushy. She had no desire to eat it. Though her stomach screamed in agony with every heartbeat, threatening to begin digestion of its own inner lining at any moment, Bolivia stared at the brown glop with disgust. She had been eating nothing but mush for three hundred and four days. She had counted. And it was time for a change.
Bolivia stood up. The room went silent. ...SEE MORE |
![]() 200TH DAY OF THEFLAGRANT.COMIn honor of the 200th day in a row of posting daily comedy on social media and here at www.theflagrant.com, here are some amazing 200’s from entertainment, history, and medical abominations!
200 BC The year Rome began bacchanalias, wild and mystic festivals that included orgies, drinking, and extensive use of vomitoriums. Or as I call it, a typical Tuesday night. ... SEE MORE |
FLESH-EATING EARTHWORMS
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WIDOW'S DEAD HUSBAND WON'T LET HER DATEANN ARBOR, MI - The ghost of Cynthia Vasquez's late husband Ned is constantly interfering with her attempts to begin dating again, the 47-year-old widow told reporters.
According to the frustrated widow, the possessive poltergeist has: · Torn her stylish "dating" clothes to ribbons. ...SEE MORE |
BABIES ARE USELESSHave you ever seen a baby
Squirming out of some fat lady And you wonder what the fuss is all about? It looks like a pile of jelly. Kind of noisy. Kind of smelly. Well there's one thing I can say without a doubt: Babies are useless. Completely super-fluss. They contribute nothing to society. Babies are leeches With nothing to teach us But how to eat and burp and poop and pee. The whining little nippers Can't even fetch your slippers And god forbid they try to use a knife. They can't cook or clean. Or even read a magazine And they can't hold a job to save their life. ...SEE MORE |
MONK URINE IS CLEANER
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GEORGE SANTOS'S'S BIGGEST LIESGeorge Santos, aka George Devolder, aka Anthony Devolder, aka Caruthers Winchester Rothschild IV, aka The Fonz, has been known to bend the truth occasionally in order to convince people he is not a complete and total failure. Below are a few of his biggest whoppers -- oh, and he invented the Whopper according to Burger Kings R Us.
“George Washington was not the first person to say, ‘I cannot tell a lie.’ Before Washington, Julius Caesar said it. And I said it before him.” ...SEE MORE |
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I’M WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL
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And Oh How He SatThe traveler had been on his feet a long time, a very long time, and he was weary.
The chair looked more than inviting. It was an unassuming seat at first glance, with a classic cantilevered back, thin Brazilian redwood legs, and a contemporary, trend-forward vermillion cushion. But on closer examination... ... SEE MORE |
You Got the Lyrics Wrong, Dilweed!Okay, here’s the setup. People often sing along to songs when they don’t really know the words. What they think they heard are not the actual lyrics… and the dichotomy between the two versions creates humor of a sort. Enjoy.
Livin’ On a Prayer – Bon Jovi Actual lyrics: It doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not. Misheard: It doesn’t make a difference if we’re naked or not. Like A Virgin - Madonna Actual lyrics: Like a virgin, touched for the very first time. Misheard: Like a virgin, touched for the thirty-first time. ... SEE MORE |
Woman Chokes on Fortune Cookie
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THE CHANGE“Have you seen the change?” my wife of thirty years asked quietly.
“Oh believe you me, I have seen the change,” I replied, shaking my head soberly. “I’ve seen it when I get up in the morning, and marvel at the wrinkled skin of my shaking hand as I reach for my glasses and pills on the bedside table.” “I see it in the eyes of the young people on the street who don’t even notice me as I shamble by, or worse, look at me with pity or disgust for having the audacity to live this long.” ...SEE MORE |
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MY HUSBAND’S 385TH INAPPROPRIATE REMARK
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TRUE TALES OF TERROR
Paige Miller giggled and cooed into the cherubic face of her bright and beautiful new baby, Stinky. He was aptly named for even as Paige initiated the fifteenth game of peek-a-boo that day, she could smell the present that baby had made for mommy in his Pampers. With a sigh, she hoisted him up out of his highchair and took him to the changing table.
She took the old, filthy, stinking, dripping, leaking diaper off the baby’s soiled, rash-covered bottom and... ...SEE MORE |
Time Traveler Says Mutants and Freaks Rule the Future:
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ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S PRIVATE
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Pesky Facts About Insects!The Brown Mamba! As scary as this one appears, the brown mamba beetle is just the victim of bad press. His massive pincers cannot actually cut through human bone. His exoskeleton, however, exudes syphilis.
Chigger Gigantus! This skittering insect’s natural habitat is the bottom of your sleeping bag or inside your shoe. With no venom or claws to protect it, it must rely on its ravenous appetite to consume its human prey. ... SEE MORE |
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ASK AN EXPERT!Chances are, he won’t answer --
he’s got better things to do -- but you can always try! I have a question. During intercourse, my penis heats up to such a degree that it spews hot steam and whistles. It burns my partner and has garnered me a most embarrassing nickname. What can I do?
Steamboat Willie, Orlando What army does the Surgeon General command? I have to write a paper. Billy Nosegoblin, Ms. SnotMarple’s 4th Grade Class ...SEE MORE |
WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH SNOW WHITE'S COFFIN?I mean, she has the whitest skin ever, right? So white that her NAME is Snow White. So what do they do when she dies? They put her in a GLASS coffin, OUTSIDE, in the SUN, for YEARS! No shade. No Coppertone. What were those midgets THINKING? By the time Prince Whatever got there, they’d be calling her Blister Red. I’m talking third degree burns, massive swelling, severe skin damage… nobody’s kissing this rotting corpse! And then, when he opens this sealed, sun-baked, roasting coffin, the stench would be overpowering. He’d be lucky if he didn’t ralph right then and there. I know it's blasphemous, but I honestly think this whole "Snow White" story was made up.
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PEDESTRIAN POINTSDid you ever play that game when you were a young driver where you and your passenger would call out how many points you’d get if you hit a specific pedestrian with your car? Ten points for the geezer in the wheelchair. Twenty points for that gaggle of nuns. Fifty for the Huck Finn reject on the Huffy Bike! Hitting the stroller WITHOUT hitting the mother pushing it so that she can live in babyless agony forever: All the Points!
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TRUE TALES OF TERROR:
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Henry Cavill Fired as Superman:
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SLANDER!
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All I want for Christmas is you.
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BATMAN vs HULK
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QUICK INTERNET POLLName your favorite puppet. Go!
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CHRISTMAS POETRYShock went through the reindeer
That Rudolph made the cut. It goes to show his glowing nose Was wedged up Santa's butt! |
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RHYME TIMEAnd now as a public service, here are all the possible rhymes for
I C E R O A D T R U C K E R Nice Toad Sucker Lice Load Ducker Mice Mode Mucker Rice Sewed Tucker Price Code Pucker That’s it. Those are all the rhymes anyone could possibly make. There isn’t even one more. |
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR DUMB NEW BABYYou have gone through the torturous and painful ordeal of having sex, and the rather over-rated pregnancy and birthing process and now have a happy baby boy or girl. By now you’ve certainly heard a lot of advice, tips, rumors, and evil gossip about how to bring up a baby. Who can you trust? The doctor wants your money, your mother wants to meddle, and your friends are certifiable idiots. Enter a completely impartial observer, ME, to give you the real deal and keep you from messing up another human life forever.
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BOG IGER RETURNS AS
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IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
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My Wife Won’t Let Me
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WHAT SCARES YOU? |
THE TERROR WITHIN |
POETRY CORNERThere’s a baby on my bosom
And he bounces to and fro. Like a trampolin-ing gymnast He is always on the go. He can’t make a decision On which one he likes best. He just enjoys the choices As he suckles at my chest. The strange thing is I’m 80 So I no longer lactate. He’s lucky if he sucks out dust. His thirst, he’ll never sate. I cannot bear to stop him. It’s his one eternal joy. Just suckling on my bosom: My malnourished dying boy. |
Fans Outraged that Live-Action Pinocchio Is Made of Slightly Darker Wood than Animated Version |
My Wife’s Top Thirty Favorite TV Shows
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Vegas Casinos Offer Odds on Which Disaster Will Kill Us First |
Hospitals with Anesthesia Shortage Keep Cosby on Standby to Roofie Female PatientsAs the nation’s hospitals and surgery centers cope with a worldwide anesthesia shortage, the Los Angeles County & USC Medical Center, also known as County USC, has taken the bold move of keeping former television celebrity and stand up comedian Bill Cosby on call to incapacitate female patients when there is no other option.
“Certainly, it’s not optimal,” said one of the facility’s top brain surgeons ...SEE MORE |
TRUE TALES OF TERRORWhere Is My Toe? |
TOILET COMMITS SUICIDE AFTER FAMILY OF FIVE GETS TACO BELL PARTY PACK |
What Does the Queen Have
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Ukranian Returning to Liberated Village Pissed that No One Watered her Plants |
The Best Horror For Kids
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SLANDERBritney Spears Commits GenocideFamed nude selfie post-er and singer of such chart-topping hits as “Hit Me Baby One More Time” and some other songs, Britney Spears, has made her first bold move since winning her emancipation from a conservatorship… committing the ritual murder of an entire people!
“I’ve never liked the Swiss,” Spears admitted in a social media post. “But ...SEE MORE |
Aquatica-Boy Discovered and Clubbed Repeatedly! |
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MLK JR.
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TRUE TALES OF TERRORRoom for One MorePeter J. Doomed was a normal man with a normal life… until one night when he awoke and looked out the window. There stood a grotesque man, dressed in black, holding open the back door of a hearse! The man called to Peter eerily and slowly, saying, “There is room for one more.” Peter turned away to tend to his suddenly imminent bathroom needs and when he turned back, the mysterious man was gone.
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CITIZENS GROUP DEMANDS BIRD BATHS OPEN TO ALL DIRTY ANIMALS |
COVID CAMPING TIPS! |
WORD OF THE YEARYou’ve seen those impossible word-a-day calendars for pompous literates who want to lord their vocabulary over their friends. But most of us are lucky if we can remember the words we already know, let alone learn a new one each day.
Hence FLAGRANT’S Word of the Year. Learn it at your own pace and then use it in a sentence to impress your friends. PYXIDIUM (pik-sid’-i-em) N. In botany, a seedcase with two parts, the upper acting as a lid; “You may think you’re smart, but you’re as stupid as a pyxidium.” |
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A YULETIDE WISH
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KIDS!Pah! Kids. Kids today, they got it easy. When I was a kid I had to spit into my gruel before I ate it. Had to haul coal before I learned to walk. Taking a dump was a luxury!
Nowadays with their electronic this and Nintendo-that, kids don’t understand what it means to build something with your hands. To make a house, or, or a tree. No kid knows what that’s like. They prance around in their fancy dungarees, boys sporting earrings and frilly female undergarments, blurring the line. A girl was a girl and a boy was a boy in my day. And if you got caught with a hand down your trousers, your parents cut that hand off, dammit! Whether it was yours or not, and that’s how it should be! Today’s generation don’t even know nothing, they believe nothing, they are nothing, but they want everything. Their own rooms. Their own cars. Their own satellite dishes to watch Hulk Hogan cartoons or whatever they dissolve their brains with these days. Well then, I guess, if they want everything, absolutely everything, then they want my carpenter’s hand across their bottoms: a little bit of corporate punishment will bring them in tow, I reckon. But I ain’t puttin’ my hand in their pants. I need this hand. If I had one wish for today’s children, it would be that they’d grow the hell up or get the hell out. Hell, if I had a wish I’d use on myself: screw those brats. But since I don’t have a wish, I’m putting them in sacks filled with rocks and tossing 'em in the river like a bag o' cats. All Hail to God, Queen, and Country! I nabbed me a toddler! |
If you like what you're reading on the Flagrant website, why not check out Scott's new book! A young boy spends Christmas Eve fighting for his life against a maniacal Santa Claus. A malfunction turns a theme park of colonial animatronic figures into a nightmare of historic proportions. Martin Luther King Jr. eats a baby. Twenty-three twisted short stories that span the gamut from childish to offensive. Sometimes both. Now Available at Amazon.com |
Photos used under Creative Commons from mikecogh, mikecogh, Mario A. P. shixart1985