​SPACE ALIEN JUST WANTS TO BE HELD

In a joint statement released Tuesday, the United States military and NASA have verified evidence of intelligent life in the universe.
 
“We can no longer consider ourselves to be unique in the universe,” said a spokesman of some sort. “We are one of potentially millions or billions of intelligent species.”
 
Details about the government’s findings are slim, but reporters have confirmed that a living extraterrestrial creature has been seen on Earth’s surface. 
 
The alien, first spotted in the cornfields of a farm in rural Nebraska, made                                                                             
​                                  ...READ MORE

TRUE TALES OF TERROR

"Mirror Mirror on the Wall"

 Tonight’s story, “Mirror Mirror on the Wall” is brought to you by Lucky Brand Contraceptives. If you think you might get lucky, carry Lucky Brand Contraceptives! And now on with our story.
 
 
Fidley checked her dark, voluminous, teased hair in the mirror. Perfect. 
 
“You almost ready?” her roommate Quipper asked from                            

​                    ...READ MORE

WHY MY WILLY IS LIKE TOURIST TRAPS

My willy is like...
 
Mount Rushmore because it’s hard as granite, but it sits outside all night long and consequently is suffering from exposure to the elements.
 
The Golden Gate Bridge because if workmen start painting at one end of it, by the time they’ve finished the entire expanse, it needs repainting.
 
The Grand Canyon because it inspires awe and wonder in people of all ages who come to stand on its rim and gaze at the majestic splendor.
​
                     ...READ MORE

​WHY MY WILLY IS LIKE
​ASSORTED OFFICE SUPPLIES

​ My willy is like...
 
A POST IT NOTE because it seems like a quick way to get the message across, but it doesn’t stay up for very long.
 
A PENCIL because people borrow it and then return it with teeth marks on it.
 
CELLOPHANE TAPE because it comes clear.
 
A STAPLE because it’s so small you could easily drop it, but you’ll know if you accidentally sit on it!
 
A RUBBER BAND because if you’re not careful with it you could put an eye out.
 
A YELLOW HI-LIGHTER PEN because it’s bright and cheery and smells like lemon.
 
A PAPER CLIP because it works fine until you start goofing around with it and bend it into funny shapes. 

​UNKNOWN ACTRESS SLEEPS HER WAY TO THE BOTTOM

​Long-time aspiring actress Stephanie Twinkle lamented to anyone who would listen at a local Starbucks last week that her dearth of memorable roles and acting opportunities is the result of her sleeping her way to the bottom.
 
“I feel like such a fool,” Twinkle said to no one in particular. “All this time I’ve been degrading myself for the opportunity to remain unknown when I should’ve been whoring it up to become a big star.”
 
“It did strike me as odd,” said one slimeball producer who refused to be identified. “But who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?”
 
“On the bright side,” Twinkle said as she got into the backseat of another bigwig’s limo, “When you’re at the bottom, there’s nowhere to go but up! Or possibly sideways while staying just as low.”

​SO YOU’RE GOING TO HELL!

Let’s be honest.  Most of us are going to hell.  And we’re all going to spend a considerable amount of time there. So it’s natural to wonder what awaits us in the fiery pits of Hades. Hopefully, this instructive guide will help.
 
First off, you should know that there are seven layers of hell, but not in the way Dante described them. 
 
The first, highest layer is “The Badlands.” It’s reserved for most of us. The folks who cheat on their taxes, tell white lies to their spouses, and spend a lot of “alone time” in the bathroom.  
                                   ...READ MORE

MOVING OUT

​ Nate rummaged through the container on his lap with another fifteen boxes stacked up around him like towering pillars of cardboard. 
 
An exasperated sigh from across the room let him know that his wife Wren had entered and she was ticked.
 
“I thought I told you to throw all this stuff out!” Wren huffed. “The movers are already here.”
 
“Honey, I threw out everything I could spare.” Nate peered at his wife through a gap in the boxes.
 
“Where?” Wren asked.
 
“In the trash,” Nate said. His wife walked over to the wastebasket, reached in, and pulled out the contents.
                        ...READ MORE

​How To Have Sex With Abraham Lincoln

If power is an aphrodisiac, then the power of the president is a potent mixture of oysters, a roofie, and Spanish Fly! Everybody wants to get a piece of presidential poon tang. 

“There’s a party in my pants” pales compared to a POTUS in my pants. And who, hands down, is the most popular president in the history of this fine nation?

Abraham Lincoln.

Log splitter. Emancipator. Sex symbol.

                                     ...READ MORE

TRUE TALES OF TERROR

The Smell of Success

“That Benjamin Whiffer is such a weirdo, going around smelling things like some odor fetish freak!”
 
Benjamin sunk down lower in his seat, hoping his cruel coworkers didn’t sniff him out in the break room. 
 
He was not that lucky.
 
“Well, well, well…or should I say smell, smell, smell… look who we have here!”
                             ...READ MORE


​YOU

Joy. Love. Nausea.
A chilling sense of doom.
I feel none of these as you walk into the room.

Anger. Pain. Relief. Disconcerting
​nagging doubt.
Are not inside me when you walk back out. 
Who invented bouillon?
A little cube of meat.
It’s pretty geometrically
But terrible to eat. 

MISHEARD LYRICS - VOLUME 2

Music is great. People are dumb. So they often sing the wrong lyrics at the top of their lungs. And we laugh at them. Here are some of the worst misheard lyrics from dumb people.
 
Blowin In the Wind – Bob Dylan
Actual Lyrics: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind.
Misheard: The ants are my friends; they're blowin' in the wind.
 
Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen
Actual Lyrics: Spare him his life from this monstrosity.
Misheard: Saving his life from this warm sausage tea.
                                ...READ MORE

The 300th Flagrant Post!!!

People often ask me, “How many of those incredibly funny Flagrant posts have you made?” And the answer is “Six.” I’ve technically posted 300 Flagrant posts, but only about a half dozen were actually funny.

But in honor of that 300 milestone, on this 300th day, here are some amazing facts about the number 300!                                                          
​               ...READ MORE

​INTELLIGENT SIGNAL FROM
DEEP SPACE CONTAINS MUSIC…FROM THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY!

​Scientists at that place with the giant antennas probing the deepest recesses of space have announced that they have intercepted an intelligent signal from beyond our solar system that is composed of rudimentary musical recordings including the early songs of the hit seventies TV band the Partridge Family.    

​                                           ...READ MORE

THINGS YOU CAN SAY ABOUT TRUMP
​THAT YOU CAN’T
​SAY ABOUT YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

He’s been indicted on 37 charges including espionage.

His spray tan is laughable.

He cheats on his wives and pays for sex.
                                    ... SEE MORE

​MOVIE MONSTER PULLS CHILD INTO SCREEN: PARENTS DEMAND REFUND

BOSTON – The Martindale family was shocked when a visit to the Boston Fourteen Cinema Complex turned tragic as their son Barty was yanked out of his seat and into the movie screen by the titular monster of the feature film “The Thing with a Thousand Toes.”
 
“There we were, an upper middle class, straight, white, American family attempting to patronize our local movie establishment,” Mrs. Martindale explained while clutching her pearls, when out of nowhere, this thuggish looking creature reaches out of the screen and absconds with our first born. It is totally unacceptable.”
 
“Yeah, what she said,” added Mr. Martindale
​                  ...SEE MORE

BOY PULLED FROM WELL EATS RESCUERS

The elation of emergency personnel over the rescue of stranded toddler Jamie Jerkins from the bottom of a fifty foot well quickly turned to terror as the savage boy leapt at his rescuers and began to devour them alive.
 
“Teeth and blood. Blood and teeth. That’s all anyone could see,” said paramedic and part-time professional juggler Stu “the Blitz” McManey.                      
​                          ...SEE MORE

BRIDE AND SEEK

“We need to talk.”
 
Brian had been dreading this conversation, but had known it was coming ever since they’d left the highway to head up into the mountains. Lisa had gotten unusually quiet in the car and now at the campsite he could tell she was obsessing over something in that pretty little head of hers.
 
“It’s just that we’ve been going out for over a year,” Lisa continued as Brian stoked the fire and avoided her gaze. “And I need to know where this is going. I need to know if you see a future together.”
                             ...SEE MORE
 

BONELESS BABY SLIPS
DOWN BATHTUB DRAIN

In a stunning turn of events that stunned scientists and prompted stunned skepticism from everyone else, a stunned Long Beach couple announced that their infant child Willy, who was born without the benefit of bones, accidentally slipped away when they drained the tub before removing the child.

“I just wasn’t thinking,” wept the child’s father, Mr. Johnson,  
                         ...SEE MORE

​GHOST OF HOUDINI
ESCAPES FROM HELL:
SAYS AFTERLIFE IS A HOAX!

Séance attendees were shocked when the apparition of famed magician and escape artist Harry Houdini appeared above them in the darkened room last Thursday.
 
“I believe in ghosts, so it didn’t surprise me one bit,” said spiritual medium Joyce Vandersplits who led the séance. “But apparently, Mr. Houdini does not share my belief.”
 
The ghostly apparition, dressed in turn of the century clothes, draped in locks and chains, and smelling of sulfur and brimstone...
                                         ...SEE MORE

SHOULD I TIP?

It’s weird. I just realized that I leave yearly tips for my mailman, the paper delivery boy, and the fellow who drops off the milk bottles. (Yes, it’s 1940.) But I’ve never left a tip for the guy that leaves flyers rubberbanded to my doorknob. I don’t put out money for the guy who steals my packages from Amazon. And I’ve never tipped the guy who slips in through backdoor late at night, creeps up the stairs, and spoons me until I fall back asleep. So why do I tip some people and stiff the rest?

TRUE TALES OF TERROR

Conch Shell, Conch Hell!

Reggie paced the docks anxiously as the fog rolled in like thick pea soup except that it was in the air instead of in a bowl, and it was cold, and it wasn’t soup. The stabbing beam of the lighthouse cut through the night, but couldn’t cut through the uncertainty in Reggie’s bones.                                ...SEE MORE

NUN POSSESSED BY SPIRIT OF VEGAS STREETWALKER

“It’s awful. I want to be filled with the holy spirit, not the spirit of some heathen Nevada skank.”
 
That is the impassioned complaint of Sister Ignatia Smith of the Holy Covenant of Nun People who believes her previously unsullied body has been possessed by the ghost of a cheap whore from the neon city.
                               ...SEE MORE

SLANDER!

Keanu Reeves Is Narcoleptic: He Slept Through His Most Famous Performances!

Hollywood bon vivant and world-renowned John Wick celebrity Keanu Reeves shocked the world when he revealed that he suffers from narcolepsy, a sleep disorder that can lead to a person falling asleep in the middle of normal daily tasks.
                               
​                                    ...SEE MORE
It’s a common worry for new homeowners and for long-time residents as well: the fear that demonic entities are lurking just beneath the surface of your wallpaper. But other than bringing in an exorcist or a pricey interior designer, how can you know for sure? If you can answer honestly, this surefire questionnaire will let you know one way or the other if your home has been infested by hell’s underlings!
                                                                                        
​                         ...SEE MORE

MAKE-A-WISH BOY HATES DISNEYLAND 

“This was my one wish. My one shot. No do-overs,” said terminal toddler Marty Simpson, 6, as he left what he called the “crappiest place on Earth.”
 
Marty was at the popular Southern California amusement park courtesy of the Make-a-Wish Foundation, an organization that offers special opportunities to young people afflicted with serious diseases or medical conditions.
 
“I’m not getting those fourteen hours back, that’s for damn sure,” the leukemia-riddled boy groused. “I spent all freakin’ day waiting in line behind fat, smelly white trash from every flyover state between here and New York City. Seriously, these Make-a-Wish jerkwads couldn’t cough up the extra forty bucks for Lightning Lane?”
                          ...SEE MORE

​ARCHEOLOGIST PROVES MAN EVOLVED FROM FERRETS

​Hey, all you people who believe in science. When it comes to evolution, your oh-so-intelligent super scientists have screwed up again in a big way.
 
According to the findings of archeologist Dr. Dipthong Lakeswallow, mankind did NOT evolve from apes. It did NOT evolve from amoebas. It did NOT evolve from David Hasselhoff despite his sexual proclivities in the 80’s and 90’s.
                                ...SEE MORE
 

FAMOUS WOMEN
​IN PICTURES!

I'm not sure what you want me to write here. It seems pretty self explanatory really. It's just photoshopping a couple of pictures together to represent the name of a famous woman. Perhaps comically. That's it.
                            ... SEE MORE

​TUCKER CARLSON FIRED FOR DEVIANT SEXUAL BEHAVIORS!

​Tucker Carlson, darling of the Fox News empire, was unceremoniously fired yesterday for what Fox representatives call a “long-standing, easily verifiable track record of disgusting and reprehensible behavior… and we’re not even talking about lying on air, dividing the country, and fomenting a riotous coup. We’re okay with that.” 
 
Carlson, the popular host of Tucker Carlson Tonight and spokesmen for the asinine anti-woke crowd, has long fought off rumors of necrophilia, and bestiality, but the recent phalanx of accusers who stepped forward with eyewitness accounts of Carlson’s perversions became too much for the right-wing network to bear.
 
“I mean, if Tucker wants to sleep with animals, fine. Bestiality isn’t a crime. Is it?
​                                      ...SEE MORE 

RAIMI TAKES EVIL DEAD
​IN A WHOLE NEW DIRECTION

"Why do all the dead have to be so gosh darned evil?" Sam Raimi mused before a phalanx of reporters on Friday at the premiere of "Evil Dead Rise," the latest cinematic installment of his long-running Evil Dead franchise. "In every movie, every TV show, every comic book, every video game, the deadites are evil, evil, evil. And that's just short sighted."
                                                          ...SEE MORE

​SURGEON GRAFTS SECOND SET OF HANDS ​TO FOOTLESS FATHER


In what the American Medical Association is calling a “royal sh*t show,” a surgeon in Minneapolis decided to graft a set of hands onto the leg stumps of a man who was understandably expecting new feet.
 
“Imagine my surprise when I woke up and looked down at my hands,” the patient said. “In one hand, I held the hospital bed railing. In another, I clutched the nurse’s call button. I n another, I absentmindedly twirled a pen and in the fourth I snapped my fingers along to a catchy ditty on the radio. It was shocking!”
                                                                                                                  
​                          ...SEE MORE

Jefferson’s Ghost
Advises President:
​“Not Very Helpful,”
​Biden Says.

In a statement that enraged skeptics, confounded the opposition party, and aroused young fangirls of this nation’s third leader, current President Biden admitted on Tuesday that he has been in contact with the ghost of Thomas Jefferson and that the late statesman’s advice has been, in his words, “less than stellar.”
 
“You kidding me? Come on now. Look, his go-to suggestion is always the same: double the size of the country,” Biden complained. “It worked for him with the Louisiana Purchase, so now any time I complain about a lack of resources or overpopulation, he trots out the Louisiana Territory like he’s the cock of the walk. Let’s get real here, folks.
                                 ...SEE MORE
 

TWINFIDELITY

Robert Barkbiter, a stocky, emotionally distant dry cleaner salesman with a head like a casaba melon, had no idea when he sent his viscous spittle to the good folks at 24 and Me that he’d be opening a genetic can of worms destined to change his life forever. The results not only showed he had a biological brother he never knew about, but that it was an identical twin! 
 
After doing a little digging, Robert confirmed he had been one of two twin brothers, separated at birth for some obscure reason that doesn’t matter for this story, and thus began his five-year search to find and reunite with his sibling doppleganger.
                                                               
​                        ...SEE MORE

WACKY LAWS

It is illegal in San Francisco to intentionally mispronounce “Pho” to sound like a swear word to make your friends giggle.
 
It is against the law in Maine to sell balls of pig lard, cow knuckles, and scrod and claim that it’s a “healthy” side salad.
 
In 49 of the 50 states, it is a capital crime for a woman to take away the god-given rights of rich white men to control her personal reproductive rights.  (Just kidding! It’s 50 out of 50 states.)
                                                      
​                          ...SEE MORE

GUTSY GRANNY ATTEMPTS TO JUMP
WHEELCHAIR OVER 15 SENIORS…
AND MAKES IT OVER
​THREE OF THEM!

The crowds! The decorations! The stunt-loving octogenarian! All signs pointed to a day of celebration and wonder, but those signs should have read “Danger Ahead.”
 
Isabelle Morningstar, 82 years young,
​
                          ...SEE MORE

CONFESSIONS OF A SEXUAL PSYCHIC: SHE KNOWS WHAT
​YOU’RE LIKE IN BED

Gloria Fonsitollis isn’t like you or me. Some would say she has a gift. Others might call it a curse. For you see, Gloria has the rare ability to discern knowledge without the use of her five senses.
 
“I’m sensin’ you’se a lousy person,” Gloria said, confronting a woman passing by pushing her chihuahua in a Gucci stroller, “but dang, you’se on fire between the sheets! Good on you!”

Utilizing something that practitioners have called a “sixth sense,”    
​    
​                                       ...SEE MORE

WOMAN GIVES BIRTH TO BIGFOOT BABY!

The birth in Oregon last week of a 36-inch long, 75-pound baby covered in thick orange hair has put both the Bigfoot enthusiast community and the loose amalgamation of conspiracy minded OB-GYNs into a rabid tizzy.                                                                                           
​                             ...SEE MORE

DRAKE IS
​NOT A DUCK

Although it’s a common misconception in the world of modern music, the singer Drake is not, in fact, a duck. Nothing could be further from the truth!
 
While Webster’s dictionary does define a “drake” as a male waterfowl, neither ASCAP nor BMI agree with that decidedly limited definition.
 
“Categorizing musical artists in any way is for the birds,” said ASCAP spokesman Robin Finch. “He’s rock. She’s R&B. They’re soul. He’s a semi-aquatic waterfowl. The whole thing is bird brained. 
                           ...SEE MORE

EINSTEIN, GHANDI, OR HITLER: WHAT PERSONALITY TYPE DO YOU HAVE?

TROWBRIDGE, ENGLAND – Don’t be offended if someone says you remind them of the genocidal leader of the Third Reich… it just may be true! 
 
According to a paper presented at the National Convention of Psychology and Psychiatry, top psychologists have determined that each of us fits into one of three distinct personality types: Albert Einstein, Mahatma Ghandi, or Adolf Hitler.
​
​                                 ...SEE MORE

WHAT WOULD YOU PREFER?

Would you rather eat a tasty hamburger that is horribly bad for you - OR - wedge an entire apple into your body somewhere other than your mouth?
 
Would you prefer to watch your child spend a lifetime pursuing a goal only to fail again and again - OR - watch them give up now and coast aimlessly for forty years? (Either way you can laugh at them.)  

                                    ...SEE MORE

THE CONFESSION

I know some people may call me crazy, and I had to think long and hard before deciding to tell the world what I’ve done, but I think it’s time. Here goes.
 
I cooked a meatloaf.
 
I’ll admit it may have been a bit rash, but hear me out. I knew dinner time was coming and I enjoy eating meatloaf, so I threw caution to the wind, mixed the ingredients, and popped it in the oven for an hour at 350 degrees.
                                      ... SEE MORE

ODE TO SCOTT

Over the years, we all have been taught
The things we should like and the things we should not
But one thing that everyone loves quite a lot
Is anyone blessed with the fine name of Scott.
 
His excellence shines like a bright megawatt
His power is that of a true juggernaut.
His fame rises high like a brave astronaut
Full of charm and charisma and brains and whatnot.

...SEE MORE

​OZONE HOLE IS GOD’S PEEPHOLE:
​HE’S WATCHING AND HE’S SERIOUSLY
​TICKED OFF!

SIDNEY, AUSTRALIA – If you are one of the millions who search the skies for proof of a higher power, be careful. That higher power might be looking for you too!
 
An environmental scientist studying the hole in the ozone layer claims he saw the eye of God staring right back at him.
                                                      
​                                ...SEE MORE

INFANT'S FINGER PAINTING REVEALS
​LOCATION OF ATLANTIS!

NAPLES, ITALY – Don’t throw away your children’s Crayola scribblings and Play-Doh sculptures as they could lead you to the archeological discovery of the century!
 
A renowned oceanographer credits his 18-month-old son’s finger-painting with providing him the final detail necessary to pinpoint the exact location of the legendary city of Atlantis.
 
“I spent most of my adult life searching for the remains of that amazing, sub-aquatic metropolis,” says Dr. Lazlo Mitchell, professional oceanographer and part-time...
​
                               ...SEE MORE

IRREFUTABLE SCIENTIFIC PROOF OF THE EXISTENCE OF POLTERGEISTS 

Scientists at some big important university have definitively concluded that poltergeists are a verifiable real world phenomenon based on the following infallible logic chain.

1. Fact: I did not see a poltergeist.  
                                                     
​                       ...SEE MORE

INNOCENT GOAT-MAN MISTAKEN FOR SATAN

HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA - A local recluse, known only as Goat-Man for his bizarre farm-animal features, was mistaken for the Anti-Christ by a mob of vengeful church-goers.

"We'd just finished Sunday services when we saw the abomination come walking down the street like he owned the place," said Margaret Applebee, an elderly parishioner. “Horns. Cloven hooves. Maybe he didn't have a pitchfork or an obvious devotion to evil, but we knew who it was."
                                                             
​                                  ...SEE MORE

THE BOWL OF MUSH

Bolivia looked at the bowl of mush. It was mushy. She had no desire to eat it. Though her stomach screamed in agony with every heartbeat, threatening to begin digestion of its own inner lining at any moment, Bolivia stared at the brown glop with disgust. She had been eating nothing but mush for three hundred and four days. She had counted. And it was time for a change.
 
Bolivia stood up.
 
The room went silent.
                                               ...SEE MORE
Giant 200 surrounded by fireworks

200TH DAY OF THEFLAGRANT.COM

In honor of the 200th day in a row of posting daily comedy on social media and here at www.theflagrant.com, here are some amazing 200’s from  entertainment, history, and medical abominations!
 
200 BC
The year Rome began bacchanalias, wild and mystic festivals that included orgies, drinking, and extensive use of vomitoriums. Or as I call it, a typical Tuesday night.
                                                      
​                         ... SEE MORE

FLESH-EATING EARTHWORMS
​MAKE
​SWISS CHEESE
​OF YOUR FEET

Be careful where you walk, because each step might be your last! That’s the warning of Norwegian bio-agricultural scientists who claim that America has become infested with a vicious variety of flesh-eating worms…. Worms that could be in your backyard right now!
                                                                
​                         ...SEE MORE

WHY MY WILLY IS LIKE ICONS OF THE SEVENTIES

My Willy is like...

BELLBOTTOMS - because they are slim at the top, wide at the bottom, and they drag in the dirt. 
 
THREE'S COMPANY - because it's fine with two girls and a guy on it, but things get tricky when Mr. Roper shows up. And did I remember seeing comic actor Don Knotts on it once?

A FAKE GOLD CHAIN - because a lot of men wrapped it around their necks in the seventies and their skin turned green.

CHER - because neither of them enjoy Sonny Bono's clammy little hands all over them.

                                ...SEE MORE

AI WRITES TRANSFORMATIVE HOTDOG SONG

Everyone keeps talking about how AI is going to replace writers and artists, so I thought I should give it a try for my Flagrant postings. Given a few simple prompts, artificial intelligence came up with this surprisingly moving poem that I call “The Hotdog.”
​
I had a craving I could not resist,
So I took a hotdog and put it in my fist.
It felt so strange, I couldn't deny,
But then somehow I found some peace inside.
 
I ain't never felt no peace like this before,
The hotdog in my body is what I'm livin' for.
No more runnin', no more hide-and-seek,
The hotdog in my body is what I seek.
                      ...SEE MORE

​WIDOW'S DEAD HUSBAND WON'T LET HER DATE

ANN ARBOR, MI - The ghost of Cynthia Vasquez's late husband Ned is constantly interfering with her attempts to begin dating again, the 47-year-old widow told reporters.

According to the frustrated widow, the possessive poltergeist has:

· Torn her stylish "dating" clothes to ribbons.                                                                                    
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BABIES ARE USELESS

Have you ever seen a baby
Squirming out of some fat lady
And you wonder what the fuss is all about?
 
It looks like a pile of jelly.
Kind of noisy.  Kind of smelly.
Well there's one thing I can say without a doubt:
 
Babies are useless.
Completely super-fluss.
They contribute nothing to society.
Babies are leeches
With nothing to teach us
But how to eat and burp and poop and pee.

The whining little nippers
Can't even fetch your slippers
And god forbid they try to use a knife.
They can't cook or clean.
Or even read a magazine
And they can't hold a job to save their life.
​                                        ...SEE MORE

MONK URINE IS CLEANER 
THAN BOTTLED WATER

A recent discovery by scientists and doctors from the University of Lower Truckee is turning the bottled water world on its head with the unbelievable claim that the urine of certain monks may be purer than that Evian in your hand or Aquafina in the fridge. We had the opportunity to discuss the startling discovery with two of the head researchers, chemical scientist Ryan Harsh and medical doctor Harold Tingles.
 
REPORTER: So before we get into all the technical details of your findings, let’s start with the impetus for this study. What led you to start down this road?
                                                                   
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​GEORGE SANTOS'S'S BIGGEST LIES

George Santos, aka George Devolder, aka Anthony Devolder, aka Caruthers Winchester Rothschild IV, aka The Fonz, has been known to bend the truth occasionally in order to convince people he is not a complete and total failure. Below are a few of his biggest whoppers -- oh, and he invented the Whopper according to Burger Kings R Us.
 
“George Washington was not the first person to say, ‘I cannot tell a lie.’ Before Washington, Julius Caesar said it. And I said it before him.”
                               ...SEE MORE

BTS? BLOATED TIGER SHARKS? BATMAN TONGUES SUPERMAN?

The ridiculously popular K-Pop group known as BTS is a worldwide sensation. But what does BTS actually stand for? NO ONE KNOWS!

Sure, some fans have suggested that it means “Back to School” or “Behold the Sasquatch” (my favorite), while certain haters have implied that it stands for “Barely Talented Singers” or “Boy They Suck.”​

But nearly all of the BTS acronyms that fans have come up with are strangely sexual in content. Here are the most often suggested meanings:

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​CORNERED ZOOKEEPER CUTS OFF OWN ARM TO FEED LIONS… AND THEY’RE NOT HUNGRY!

TUSCALOOSA – Embittered zookeeper, Horace Finster, is trying not to look a gift horse in the mouth, even if it’s a pack of ferocious lions!
 
“I was cleanin’ up after them there big cat fellas what like I always do,” Finster said as he applied pressure to his spurting, open wound. “But I done musta been distracted or sumptin’ cuz next thing you know, Ima backed up in the corner like a turd in a toilet!”
 
Surrounded by the Tuscaloosa Zoo’s prize pride of lions and fearing for his life, Finster did the only thing he could think of to save his own life; he cut off his arm and tossed it to the beasts.
                                ...SEE MORE

I’M WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL
​FOR THE COMMERCIALS

“I don’t care about football,” said a bone-headed simpleton friend of mine that for the sake of this article I’ll call Steve Borscht. “But I’m going to be tuning into the Super Bowl to watch the commercials!”
 
I’m serious. This half-witted mental defective literally said that he WANTS to watch commercials!!!
 
Now, where I come from (Normal People Land!) everyone HATES commercials. We pay big bucks to watch streaming services without any freakin’ commercials, or if we have to...
​                                                                                         
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True Tales of Terror

HOLD MY HAND!

Joshua was already eight years old, but he still sometimes got scared when he went to bed at night. The room was so dark. The house around him creaked. And he was convinced that there was a monster that lived under his bed that wanted to grab him.
 
“Please daddy,” he pleaded. “Just stay in here and hold my hand until I fall asleep.”
 
                                            ...SEE MORE

WORD OF THE YEAR

Who has time to memorize a word a day?  I’ll tell you who: wallflowers.  The rest of us can barely impress our friends with one word a year.  So here you go.
 
SOMATOPLEURE (so’me-te-ploor’) n. The outer of the two layers into which the mesoblast of vertebrates divides, forming the body wall: “Oh yeah? Well kiss my somatopleure!”

And Oh How He Sat

The traveler had been on his feet a long time, a very long time, and he was weary.
 
The chair looked more than inviting.
 
It was an unassuming seat at first glance, with a classic cantilevered back, thin Brazilian redwood legs, and a contemporary, trend-forward vermillion cushion. But on closer examination...                                                     

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You Got the Lyrics Wrong, Dilweed!

Okay, here’s the setup. People often sing along to songs when they don’t really know the words. What they think they heard are not the actual lyrics… and the dichotomy between the two versions creates humor of a sort. Enjoy.
 
Livin’ On a Prayer – Bon Jovi
Actual lyrics: It doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not.
Misheard: It doesn’t make a difference if we’re naked or not.
 
Like A Virgin - Madonna
Actual lyrics: Like a virgin, touched for the very first time.
Misheard: Like a virgin, touched for the thirty-first time.
                               ... SEE MORE

Woman Chokes on Fortune Cookie
that Predicts Her Own Death​

PASADENA – Local restaurant customer Elaine Donkeydingle was shocked when the fortune cookie at the end of her meal forecast her imminent demise, but that didn’t stop her from scarfing down the cookie and choking to death on the crumbs.
 
Paramedics were called to the scene but arrived too late to save the thoroughly dead customer. 
 
                                     ... SEE MORE

THE CHANGE

“Have you seen the change?” my wife of thirty years asked quietly.
 
“Oh believe you me, I have seen the change,” I replied, shaking my head soberly. “I’ve seen it when I get up in the morning, and marvel at the wrinkled skin of my shaking hand as I reach for my glasses and pills on the bedside table.”
 
“I see it in the eyes of the young people on the street who don’t even notice me as I shamble by, or worse, look at me with pity or disgust for having the audacity to live this long.”
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THE MOON MUST
​BE STOPPED!

People say a lot of things about the moon.
 
That it’s made of cheese. Or that it’s the sun’s little brother. That the whole “moon landing” was a hoax and that the moon never landed on Earth at all. Or some even say that it’s a dead rock rotating around the earth nearly ten miles away.
 
Well I have a theory that is much simpler and, consequently, much more probable. And much more insidious. And possibly even garrulous. 

I think the moon is an absence rather than an object. 
                          ...SEE MORE

QUORA QUESTIONS REVEAL
​DEPTH OF DEPRAVITY IS DEEP

Quora, the crowd-sourced question and answer site, presents the ten most asked questions that keep showing up on my feed and what the hell is wrong with people?
 
What are some mind-blowing facts about Emily Ratajkowski’s sex life that sound unreal but are actually true?
 
Have you ever met Keanu Reeves?  Is it true that he has a horrible, twisted secret that would ruin his career if anyone even mentioned it?                    
                                   ... SEE MORE

MY HUSBAND’S 385TH INAPPROPRIATE REMARK
IS THE FINAL STRAW

I knew Marvin could be a bit off-color when I met him and he told a homeless couple to “get a room,” but I let it go.
 
When he made horrible racial and ethnic jokes about the “inferior” Swiss and their substandard cheeses, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

He said that after watching “Annie” he was only attracted to orphans and asked if it would be okay if he killed my parents. ​
                                                                                                       
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TEN WAYS I CAN TELL MY FAMILY IS ACTUALLY
​A CULT

By 9-Year-Old Tommy Langston
When I first arrived, they forced a name on me and expected me to answer to it the entire time I’m here. 
 
They limit who I can and can’t see and ban me from leaving the compound after dark.
 
I’m told to give complete respect to the eldest members of the tribe and I am not allowed to call them by their real names.
                          ...SEE MORE

THE PRICE OF SUCCESS

The fancy, sophisticated, rich-people party was well under way as billionaire bon vivant Rodrick P. Witherington helped himself to a large dollop of Beluga caviar atop an artisanal cracker.
 
“Excuse me, Mr. Witherington, sir?” a small voice mewled from behind him.
 
Witherington turned to find a young man, eager and sweaty, pawing at his trousers.
 
“I wanted to know the secret,” the young man panted. “The secret to your...
                        ... SEE MORE

TRUE TALES OF TERROR

The Baby

Paige Miller giggled and cooed into the cherubic face of her bright and beautiful new baby, Stinky.  He was aptly named for even as Paige initiated the fifteenth game of peek-a-boo that day, she could smell the present that baby had made for mommy in his Pampers.  With a sigh, she hoisted him up out of his highchair and took him to the changing table.

She took the old, filthy, stinking, dripping, leaking diaper off the baby’s soiled, rash-covered bottom and...                                                                                                                         
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Time Traveler Says Mutants and Freaks Rule the Future: 
​Fully Grown Bat Boy is President!

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning revelation, self-proclaimed time traveler, Hyram Trowbridge, revealed to government officials this week that America will soon be overrun with, and ruled by, hideous mutants and freaks.
                                                         ...FOR MORE

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S PRIVATE
PORN COLLECTION FOUND

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A treasure trove of 19th Century pornography was discovered during recent renovations at the White House, and experts have verified that they are the work of our revered 16th President, Abraham Lincoln.
                                                         ...FOR MORE

AUTOMATIC THANK YOU LETTER

Well, now that the holidays are over, it’s time for that dreaded task of sending thank you letters. But thanks to new-fangled AI NFT LMFAO technology, you can haphazardly enter a few keystrokes and your computer-generated Thank You card is ready to send without the least bit of time, thought, or genuine sentiment. 
 
Dear    
a) Friend/Relative/Acquaintance
b) Sweet Loved One Who I Cherish
c) Co-worker who drew my name for Secret Santa
d) Satan
 
I just wanted to drop you      
a) a letter
b) a personal message of love
 c) like a hot potato
 d) off at the Piggly Wiggly
                                  ...SEE MORE

CLUELESS MAN WHO ASKED OVERWORKED WIFE WHY SHE DOESN’T HAVE ANY HOBBIES IS MISSING, PRESUMED DEAD

Margaret Edith Potterdam was visibly shocked and put off when her clueless husband asked her why she didn’t have any hobbies or pastimes. 

“It’s like you got no interest or nothin’” said her wildly unobservant husband Tad Potterdam as he downed another Light Beer and helped himself to another handful of pizza rolls his wife had made.           
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Pesky Facts About Insects!

The Brown Mamba!  As scary as this one appears, the brown mamba beetle is just the victim of bad press.  His massive pincers cannot actually cut through human bone.  His exoskeleton, however, exudes syphilis.

Chigger Gigantus!  This skittering insect’s natural habitat is the bottom of your sleeping bag or inside your shoe.  With no venom or claws to protect it, it must rely on its ravenous appetite to consume its human prey. 
                                                                                          
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I'M ALL OVER IT

Gloria Carmichael popped her head into the cubicle.

“Morton, I need a quick progress report on the Turner Proposal. The presentation is set for tomorrow.”

“No worries,” Morton smiled. “I’m all over it. It’s as good as done.”

“Great,” she replied, instantly relieved. “Let’s see it.”

“Well, it's not ‘done’ done. But it's all taken care of.”
                      ... SEE MORE

TEN SUREFIRE WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR CHILD'S PLAYMATE
​IS THE SON OF SATAN

Does your child have a playdate with evil incarnate? It's possible, according to "Apocalypse Now!" a biblical think tank located just outside Omaha, Nebraska.

"Just as God sent his son to earth, so will Mephistopheles, the Author of Evil," says nationally renowned theologian Dr. Josh Jaggars. "And this infant of infinite evil may be pushing your child down the slide to Hell right now!"
                         ...SEE MORE

ASK AN EXPERT!

Chances are, he won’t answer  --
he’s got better things to do --
​but you can always try!
I have a question. During intercourse, my penis heats up to such a degree that it spews hot steam and whistles. It burns my partner and has garnered me a most embarrassing nickname. What can I do?  
     Steamboat Willie, Orlando
 
What army does the Surgeon General command? I have to write a paper. 
     Billy Nosegoblin,
     Ms. SnotMarple’s 4th Grade Class
                                                   ...SEE MORE

WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH SNOW WHITE'S COFFIN?

I mean, she has the whitest skin ever, right? So white that her NAME is Snow White. So what do they do when she dies? They put her in a GLASS coffin, OUTSIDE, in the SUN, for YEARS! No shade. No Coppertone. What were those midgets THINKING? By the time Prince Whatever got there, they’d be calling her Blister Red. I’m talking third degree burns, massive swelling, severe skin damage… nobody’s kissing this rotting corpse! And then, when he opens this sealed, sun-baked, roasting coffin, the stench would be overpowering. He’d be lucky if he didn’t ralph right then and there. I know it's blasphemous, but I honestly think this whole "Snow White" story was made up. ​

PEDESTRIAN POINTS

Did you ever play that game when you were a young driver where you and your passenger would call out how many points you’d get if you hit a specific pedestrian with your car? Ten points for the geezer in the wheelchair. Twenty points for that gaggle of nuns. Fifty for the Huck Finn reject on the Huffy Bike! Hitting the stroller WITHOUT hitting the mother pushing it so that she can live in babyless agony forever: All the Points!

TRUE TALES OF TERROR:
High Beams

​One evening after a long day’s work, a woman stopped at a local tavern for a drink. Now, number one, women shouldn’t be working, and number two, they sure as hell shouldn’t be drinking, but that’s beside the point.
 
When the woman, let’s call her Zenee Rellwegger, when she left the bar, she thought she noticed a strange man watching her as she got into her car. And as she pulled out of the parking lot, she saw a car pull out right behind her.
                             ...SEE MORE

Henry Cavill Fired as Superman:
Immediately Races to a Horse ​to be Paralyzed!

In a stunning turn of events, ridiculously handsome actor Henry Cavill was informed that he will no longer be playing Superman in the DC Extended Cinematic Zach Snyder Universe of Heroes, and the well-built thespian reacted to the news by being thrown from a horse and paralyzed.
 
“It worked for Christopher Reeve,” Cavill said...
                             ...SEE MORE 

SLANDER!
Zendaya Buries
​Puppies Alive!

Star of stage and screen Zendaya has shocked fans and friends by admitting her latest passion project involves not the Hollywood elite, but young dogs she systematically buries alive.
 
“I guess it started like all hobbies do,” the celebrated actress of... 
                                ...SEE MORE                                             

MAJOR MILESTONE

Today, for the first time, my daughter called me “Dada!”  

She doesn’t know I’m not her biological father. 

She’s 11-months-old. She’s an idiot. 

CRAPPY LITTLE FREE LIBRARY IS NO AMAZON,
​THAT’S FOR SURE!

I’m sure you’ve seen them sitting on people’s lawns designed to look like miniature houses, but instead of miniature people that every normal human would be hoping to see inside, you’ll find books. 
 
But what you won’t find, is a book that you actually want.
                                                                        
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All I want for Christmas is you.
​And a few other things…

  1. Peace on Earth
  2. Good will toward men
  3. A 75” flat screen TV with surround sound
  4. An end to hunger
  5. A 1% share of Amazon
  6. Transcripts of every episode of The Floor is Lava
  7. A clear vision of my destiny
  8. A purpose in life
  9. Huge steaming piles of runny potatoes
                                      ...SEE MORE 

BATMAN vs HULK
THE ULTIMATE DONNYBROOK

The shrieking of startled bats reverberated off the cave walls like a wailing security alarm, but the Dark Knight needed no warning to know that danger was near.
 
The Hulk was coming for him.

Batman hadn’t yet deduced the emerald brute’s motivation for attacking him, but at this point it no longer mattered.                                 ...FOR MORE

QUICK INTERNET POLL

Name your favorite puppet.  Go!

CHRISTMAS POETRY

Shock went through the reindeer

That Rudolph made the cut.

It goes to show his glowing nose
​
Was wedged up Santa's butt!

POLITICAL + POETRY = POLITERY?

Donald Trump has a solution
To secure his revolution:
Just revoke the constitution!
What narcotics is this douche on?
“Jinkies! Jinkies! Jinkies!”
Is Velma’s favorite phrase.
‘Cause she gets sent with Scooby
While that Daphne tart gets laid.

ELON MUSK FIRES HIMSELF

Twitter President Elon Musk, upset with dissent among his employees, fired everyone in the company, not realizing that included Musk himself.
 
Security escorted a visibly angry Musk from the premises and refused to allow him back into the building. 
 
Former staffers confirmed that the problems began at a meeting at Twitter Headquarters in San Francisco last week where Musk made several questionable new suggestions for the social media platform including:
                                  ...SEE MORE

RHYME TIME

And now as a public service, here are all the possible rhymes for 
 
I C E   R O A D   T R U C K E R
 
Nice Toad Sucker
Lice Load Ducker 
Mice Mode Mucker
Rice Sewed Tucker
Price Code Pucker
 
That’s it. Those are all the rhymes anyone could possibly make. There isn’t even one more.

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR DUMB NEW BABY

You have gone through the torturous and painful ordeal of having sex, and the rather over-rated pregnancy and birthing process and now have a happy baby boy or girl. By now you’ve certainly heard a lot of advice, tips, rumors, and evil gossip about how to bring up a baby. Who can you trust? The doctor wants your money, your mother wants to meddle, and your friends are certifiable idiots. Enter a completely impartial observer, ME, to give you the real deal and keep you from messing up another human life forever.

                            ...SEE MORE

“Right-Wing Coup Attempt
​was OUR Idea!”
American Extremists Furious
​at German Extremists

German authorities arrested 25 terrorists Wednesday who rejected the legitimacy of the German state and planned an armed insurrection, infuriating American terrorist organizations who claimed to have thought of the idea first.
                                                                                            ...SEE MORE

WHAT I'M
​THANKFUL FOR

by a Right-wing Nutjob

I’m thankful man built tools to carve turkey instead of the other way around. Coulda happened. 
 
I’m thankful my new truck was more expensive than my neighbor’s truck... and he knows it. 
 
I’m thankful I can eat as much as I want at Thanksgiving and every day as long as I drink light beer and diet pepsi.
                           ...SEE MORE

BOG IGER RETURNS AS
​TONIGHT SHOW HOST

In a move that shocked the entertainment world, Bob Iger has returned to NBC to host the Tonight Show once again.
 
Fans may remember the massive hoopla when Iger announced his retirement and NBC spared no expense in promoting his final days behind the desk. But now, less than a year later, Iger has decided he misses the limelight and thinks the guy that replaced him is “not very funny.” Add to that the fact that no one was watching Iger in the earlier 10:00 time slot, and he got kinda pissy.
 
Bob Chapek who was unceremoniously bumped from the popular late night show to make room for the tantrum-throwing Iger now intends to start his own substantially less viewed show on TBS. Though he declined to be interviewed for this story, Chapek did distribute this terse but dignified press release. 
 
“Sucks to be me.”

IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
​IT'S THE MATRIX!

All my life people have told me I’m a huge loser and a screw up and the very, very worst human being you’re ever going to meet. And then these same people use the things I say and do against me to show how crooked and awful I am. And that is seriously not good. 
 
But look, a lot of people are saying that none of this is my fault! Why? Because I’m actually, and this is the thing, I’m actually in the Matrix!
 
Now I know lame, lame people make excuses, it’s all excuses with these people, so many excuses, the likes of which you’ve never seen. And they think that with their excuses, you can’t, nobody can blame them. That’s their thinking. I’ve seen it. I’ve seen it and I’ve heard it. They say, “Oh, it’s not my fault that I stole eight million dollars in toner from the office; I have a mental disorder.”  Or “Hey, you can’t blame me for that hit and run with the nuns; I was drunk.”
​                                                         ...SEE MORE

My Wife Won’t Let Me
Sacrifice My Son
​to Save Your Souls. Sorry!

Well guys, I’ve got some bad news. I know you’ve been sinning right and left and I know I promised I could do you a solid and take care of it for you. And I had this whole plan worked out for how all your transgressions would be forgiven in exchange for having my only son brutally murdered.  But some people who aren’t even worth mentioning (my wife) think that I’m being “irrational” and committing “child endangerment” and even “murder for hire,” all to absolve a bunch of guilty strangers who will never face any consequences for their actions. And, believe me, once she gets an idea like that stuck in her pretty little head, there’s no point in arguing. So, sorry dudes, son-slaughter as a bartering chip is off the table. 
 
But now that I think about it, I do have a daughter…

WHAT SCARES YOU?

When writing a spooky story, the experts say to “write what scares you.” With that in mind, here are the first sentences of my upcoming horror novels.
 
“Dad,” the boy called out impatiently, “I need help with my chemistry homework.”
 
Todd had never given much thought to the idea of what five records he’d take to a deserted island, but now that his boat had capsized and he’d washed ashore in the middle of nowhere, he was kicking himself for bringing along only Streisand albums “as a joke.”
                    ...FOR MORE

THE TERROR WITHIN

​It had been a fairly uneventful year for my wife and I, as far as years go. But through it all, an uneasiness pervaded our everyday existence. An uncertainty and, truth be told, a dread that crept into our dreams and grew like an unruly weed, choking off our hopes and dreams. 

Marta felt it first… an unsettling feeling in her stomach along with a foreboding sense that something… someone was coming.
 
Over the months, the feeling grew… and so, in turn, did Marta.
                   ...FOR MORE

I Just Bought an Adult Happy Meal Toy on Ebay for $150, Suckers!

I can’t believe I outbid all of you other clowns (no offense, Ronald!) and will soon be in possession of my very own Adult Happy Meal toy, the uber popular collectible that has sold out at McDonalds restaurants across the country. Nice work, McMoron!
 
For only 150 bucks, plus shipping, I stole this gem away from all the other less sophisticated collectors like a modern day hamburglar and now...
                                ...SEE MORE

DUDLEY DURSLEY AND THE DEADLY DANGER

Dudley had no memory of life before the thing under the stairs. 
 
It had always been there. Hiding. 
Plotting.  Scheming. 
 
His parents insisted that they had once been a happy family, living a normal life at 4 Privet Drive, never imagining the horror that would one day come to live with them. 
 
It called itself Harry.
                              ...SEE MORE

LIFE LESSONS I'VE LEARNED FROM HORROR MOVIES

Psycho
Anthony Perkins taught us that the unique bond between a mother and son cannot be severed, even by death… but a girl in a shower, oh yeah, she can be severed pretty easily.
                                       ...SEE MORE

BABY RUTH:
​MY FAVORITE HALLOWEEN CANDY

Halloween is upon us and thoughts turn to Trick or Treating. Everyone has a favorite candy that they are hoping for and here are a few of my favorites!
​              
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​THINGS NOT TO SAY TO YOUR WIFE WHEN YOU BECOME EMPTY NESTERS

Remember when our kids were little and they still needed you?
 
Boy, I thought when the kids left that smell would go away. 
 
I know you wanted a scrapbooking room or workout area, but I think I’m going to turn our son’s bedroom into a miniature golf course… you know, for fun!
 
The children we knew are gone forever and we’ll never see them again.
                                      ...SEE MORE

Haunted Womb Filled with Ghost Babies

“I’ve heard of a haunted house, maybe even a haunted room, but a haunted womb?”
 
So said local resident Missy Price who seems to have been treated to a special Halloween trick that is growing inside her.
 
“I felt something kick on the first of October and that was my first clue that there was something strange going on,” said the mother-to-be. “That and the fact that I haven’t had sex with anyone in a year-and-a-half.”                                      
​                                ...SEE MORE

WOLFMAN OF STEEL
Studios Add Monsters for Halloween Re-releases 

 In a cheap, pandering ploy to lure more teens into theaters this Halloween season, Hollywood studios are digitally adding classic monsters into previously released feature films and re-releasing them under new names. 
                                     ...SEE MORE

After All

​ “Lemonade’s a tad sour.”
 
Lars was sitting on the porch swing with Mabel, his wife of fifteen years, after a long day in the fields. Without even looking at her, he could tell he’d upset her. 
 
“After all I’ve done for you?” she steamed. “After all I’ve put up with over the years…”
 
“After all YOU’VE put up with?” he shot back. “After all that I’VE put up with!”
                       ...SEE MORE

TRUE TALES OF TERROR
​The Yellow Ribbon

In a distant hamlet called Valley Glenn, there was a very practical man named Lars Fusslebritches who rarely gave in to his emotions. But Lars was smitten with a young woman named Vanessa Sippleshaw the first time he saw her. The long dark hair. The high patrician cheek bones. The dazzling yellow ribbon tied round her alabaster neck. And he knew that she would one day be his wife. 
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TRUE TALES OF TERROR

The Hook

 Marcia and Greg were parked in his sporty convertible on lover’s lane overlooking the city and Greg was trying his high school best to get some.

“I don’t think we should,” Marcia protested, pushing his hands away.

“I think we should,” Greg said.  “Besides, I think you really want to.  Why else did you wear a skirt instead of bellbottoms.”                                                                   
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​Elf on a Shelf Spin Off:
Mischievous Troll in a Toilet Bowl

Any parent of a toddler knows about Elf on the Shelf. Ostensibly a spy for Santa, this diminutive figure perches around the house at Christmastime narc-ing on kids who misbehave and, for some reason, has become a December tradition in many households. Well, never let it be said that corporate America won’t cash in on a trend, because Madison Avenue is about to start hawking all kinds of collectible household observers ranging from...
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PIE

“I’d like to have you over for dessert tonight,” she said with a smile.

“Well, isn’t that sweet. I’d love to,” he replied.

“Great. It'll be great having you over for pie.” She licked her lips in antici-pation.

“Yes,” he answered, giving her a strange look. “You said as much. Just two seconds ago.”    
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​FLORENCE OF ARABIA!
Women Finally
Get Equal Representation
​on Screen

In the historically male-dominated Hollywood film industry, many actresses were relegated to supporting roles, often the girlfriend or wife of the leading man, limiting their ability to truly showcase their craft. But recent advances in AI and CGI have allowed the major studios to finally put classic actresses into leading roles without having to actually work with them or pay them. 
 
Florence Henderson leaves the Bradies behind to become “Florence of Arabia”

Carol Kane in the immortal Orson Welles picture “Citizen Carol Kane”
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SLANDER!
 
30 Years in Prison for Alec Baldwin; Agent Gets Ten Percent

Actor/producer Alec Baldwin received a thirty-year prison sentence on Monday for his involvement in the accidental shooting of cinematographer Halyna Hutchins on the set of the film Rust, and his long-time CAA agent Matt DelPiano will be facing three years behind bars, his traditional ten percent commission.
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A Dozen Things You Can Say To Your Breakfast Cereal That You Can’t Say To Mother Theresa


You’re cold and soggy and you clog up my sink.

If someone slapped an athlete on you, it would catch people’s eyes and they might even grab you for themselves.

Your box is so colorful. And it has its own anthropomorphized mascot!

I like that you have a hole in the middle but would it kill you to put on a little frosting?
                                                                  
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POETRY CORNER

​There’s a baby on my bosom
And he bounces to and fro.
Like a trampolin-ing gymnast
He is always on the go.

He can’t make a decision
On which one he likes best.
He just enjoys the choices
As he suckles at my chest.

The strange thing is I’m 80
So I no longer lactate.
He’s lucky if he sucks out dust.
His thirst, he’ll never sate.

I cannot bear to stop him.
It’s his one eternal joy.
Just suckling on my bosom:
My malnourished dying boy.

Fans Outraged that Live-Action Pinocchio Is Made of Slightly Darker Wood than Animated Version

Disney’s latest live action remake of an animated classic has been engulfed in controversy as legions of fans have decried the darkness of the wood used to sculpt the titular character Pinocchio. 
 
“This is an abomination,” said one grown man in a rant on Twitter, Reddit, and several other social platforms. “Pinocchio was always meant to be made of American White Oak, or European White Beech, maybe Hard Maple to preserve accuracy, but this puppet looks like it was carved from a dark mahogany! This is a classic Italian story and mahogany trees are not native to the Italian peninsula. #NotMyPinocchio!”
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My Wife’s Top Thirty Favorite TV Shows
​of All Time

The Bachelor
The Bachelorette
The Bachelor: The Women Tell All
The Bachelor: The Man Has to Just Sit There and Take It
Bachelor in Paradise
Bachelor in Paradise: After Paradise
Real Bachelors of Orange County
Bachelor Hills 90210
Love Island
Temptation Island
FBoy Island 
Proposal Peninsula
Doing It Doggy Style Archipelago
Orange is the New Bachelor
Breaking Bachelor
Bachelor Call Saul
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Vegas Casinos Offer Odds on Which Disaster Will Kill Us First

Got a hunch that Russian aggression will destroy the world before global warming can? Wanna bet?
 
Oddsmakers at the Wynn Hotel in Las Vegas are now taking wagers on which of the many disasters plaguing our planet will obliterate mankind first. 
 
“It’s just like bettin’ on the ponies,” said Harlan “Big Daddy” McKenzie, spokesman for the Wynn Hotel. “You pick a shoe-in -- like nuclear war or wildfires --and the odds ain’t all that great. Maybe 2:3 or 3:4.
                                                               
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Hospitals with Anesthesia Shortage Keep Cosby on Standby to Roofie Female Patients

As the nation’s hospitals and surgery centers cope with a worldwide anesthesia shortage, the Los Angeles County & USC Medical Center, also known as County USC, has taken the bold move of keeping former television celebrity and stand up comedian Bill Cosby on call to incapacitate female patients when there is no other option.
 
“Certainly, it’s not optimal,” said one of the facility’s top brain surgeons                                                    
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TRUE TALES OF TERROR

Where Is My Toe?

One day, a young lad was skipping and frolicking merrily down a lane that ran innocently alongside the village cemetery when he stumbled across a toe. Now it was rather unusual to find a big toe so cleanly separated from its body and lying in the middle of the sidewalk, so the delighted boy picked it up and took it home. 
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​TOILET COMMITS SUICIDE AFTER FAMILY OF FIVE GETS TACO BELL PARTY PACK

Residents of 1486 Rochester Place are mourning the suicide of their sole toilet triggered when the family returned home with a Taco Bell Party Pack.
 
Members of the Baio family were shocked to find that the porcelain throne they use on a daily basis had taken its own life by climbing into the bathtub, downing a handful of pills, and slitting its pipes.
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What Does the Queen Have
​That I Don't?

The love and respect of a nation
1,000,000 mourners
A racist family
24-hour news coverage
A dynasty that runs on nepotism
Her face on currency and stamps
Rigor mortis
A pedophile in the family
Royal accommodations for bacteria, mold, and insect infestation
The quintessential rock anthem “Bohemian Rhapsody”

Ukranian Returning to Liberated Village Pissed that No One Watered her Plants

While most of the citizens of Donesk, Ukraine were thrilled and appreciative to be going back to their recently liberated town, one resident was “beyond miffed” that no one bothered to water her plants while she was gone.
 
“It’s just so inconsiderate,” ranted Oksana Shevchenko as she held 
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The Best Horror For Kids
​To Wet the Bed To

​Satan Loves Me This I Know
Green Eggs and Hell
The Little Engine That Could Slaughter Innocent Children
The Velveteen Rapist
Clifford The Big Red Dibbuk
The Cat in The Hat in a Vat of Boiling Oil
Amelia Bedelia and the Amateur Exorcist
And To Think That I Saw It on Elm Street
Where The Wild Things Are Hunting Kids for Sport
Let’s Raise the Dead!  A Read-And-Play Storybook
Harold And the Purple Man-Monkey Hybrid
Horton Hears a Hellspawn
If You Give a Clown A Toddler
One Girl Two Girl Dead Girl Blue Girl

SLANDER

Britney Spears Commits Genocide

Famed nude selfie post-er and singer of such chart-topping hits as “Hit Me Baby One More Time” and some other songs, Britney Spears, has made her first bold move since winning her emancipation from a conservatorship… committing the ritual murder of an entire people!

“I’ve never liked the Swiss,” Spears admitted in a social media post. “But 
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​The Best Horror of the Last 17 1/2 Years

Zombie Dearest: I Can See Clearly Now, My Brain Is Gone

Everybodysnatcher Loves Raymond

My Mom Went to Miami and All I Got Was This Severed Head

I’m Okay, You’re Rotting in a Shallow Grave

What Color Are Your Entrails? -- It’s Close Encounters of the Disgusting Kind

Once Upon a Triple Homicide: You Slaughter. You Bought Her!
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SLANDER

Harry Styles
​Coerces Toddlers Into
Slave Labor!

GQ’s most stylish man of the year, Harry Styles, has more than his good taste and stylist to thank for the honor, as he owes a great deal to the ones who actually hand stitch each and every piece he wears… a dungeon full of underage forced laborers. 
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The Top Ten Things My Wife Does When We Sit Down in Front of the TV and Start a Movie!

10  Gets up to use the bathroom
 
9  Starts a load of laundry
 
8  Goes to make a snack
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​It’s My Right to Cover Myself in Gasoline and
​Light a Match!
I don’t care what the “pundits” in the media say or how many fake news stories they publish, it is my right as an American citizen to believe what I want to believe, and to do what I want to do, especially when it comes to dousing myself in flammable fluids and igniting a small flame.
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Aquatica-Boy Discovered and Clubbed Repeatedly!

POINT BARROW, ALASKA - Poachers in the Arctic Circle were stunned when they found a wounded humanoid creature in their catch.

“We was just looking for pelts," said                            
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New Flavors of Illegal Drugs Revealed

All socially acceptable addictions like alcohol, cigarettes, and caffeinated beverages can be found in a wild assortment of types and flavors, despite the fact that the users have no choice but to keep consuming them. But for the longest time, those addicted to illegal substances found their choices severely limited. 
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The End

When I finally decided to end it all, I was too scared to use pills or a razor blade, so I pulled the car in, shut the garage door, and started the ignition. I must’ve sat in that Tesla for three hours. The paramedics I called just laughed at me. Thanks Elon! #ElonMuskSucks #EVsAreUselessfor Suicide #UsedTeslaforSale 

My Civil War Essay

            The Civil War was a divisive conflict between the Northern and Southern states that pitted brother against brother in a violent battle that threatened to tear the nation afart. 
            Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president, believed it was imperative to abolish slavery, butt not at the price of the union. Poop. He dedicated much of his presidency, and perhaps his life, to this big weenie cause.
            The South, also known as the Confederacy, was led by General Robert Diarrhea Lee, an unstoppable and unconstipated man known for his bold strategy and diseased scrotum.                   
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Chickens

I hunt. Born to slay. Stalk. Pounce. Slaughter. A high stakes game of chicken. The more I kill. The more I need. To kill. Every town. Every county. Every backwoods farm. Has chickens. Clucking. Clacking. Strutting. Buck buck bucking. 

The colonel has come home to roost.

Pecking and bobbing and poking and pecking and bobbing and pecking and poking. They peck poison. Poison seed. My seed. Hot chicks ingesting my very seed. Groggy. Unsuspecting. Chickens.
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The Beautiful Pony ​
​Had Diarrhea

       The beautiful pony had diarrhea. And paper towels weren’t stemming the flow. They had started by daubing at the dribbling juices, but now a whole roll wouldn’t staunch the powerful spray.
        “Maybe we shouldn’t a done fed it Mamma’s Ragin Cajun Chili Sauce,” Orville said as he choked back an involuntary gag reflex.
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MLK JR.
​ATE A BABY

Few can argue that Baptist minister and activist Martin Luther King Jr. was not a revolutionary figure in the Civil Rights movement or that his “I Have a Dream” speech was not a monumental oratory triumph.  But what is less well known is a day in late March of 1968, days before his untimely assassination in Memphis, Tennessee, when Martin Luther King Jr. ate an entire human baby.
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TRUE TALES OF TERROR

Room for One More

Peter J. Doomed was a normal man with a normal life… until one night when he awoke and looked out the window.  There stood a grotesque man, dressed in black, holding open the back door of a hearse!  The man called to Peter eerily and slowly, saying, “There is room for one more.”  Peter turned away to tend to his suddenly imminent bathroom needs and when he turned back, the mysterious man was gone. 
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CITIZENS GROUP DEMANDS BIRD BATHS OPEN TO ALL DIRTY ANIMALS

ANN ARBOR, MI – A group of concerned citizens calling themselves NMFA, or No More Filithy Animals, disrupted a city council meeting on Thursday with vociferous demands to stop perpetuating the “avian only” status for the city’s bird baths.                                   ... See more

COVID CAMPING TIPS!

Be prepared to self-quarantine for 14 days after making out with Smokey the Bear.                  
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WORD OF THE YEAR

​You’ve seen those impossible word-a-day calendars for pompous literates who want to lord their vocabulary over their friends.  But most of us are lucky if we can remember the words we already know, let alone learn a new one each day.  

Hence FLAGRANT’S Word of the Year.  Learn it at your own pace and then use it in a sentence to impress your friends.
 
PYXIDIUM (pik-sid’-i-em) N. In botany, a seedcase with two parts, the upper acting as a lid; “You may think you’re smart, but you’re as stupid as a pyxidium.”

WHY MY GIRLFRIEND'S BUTT IS LIKE FINE FOOD

​My girlfriend’s butt is like fine food because...
 
It looks good sitting there, but it doesn’t taste half as good.  Especially for the price.

It’s best when it’s hot.
 
I have to get dressed up and go to a pricey restaurant if I want to get some.
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POETRY CORNER

​A Holiday Wishe

If I could have a Festive Wish
For all the World to Share
I’d wish for them a Happiness
That Love and Blossoms Care
And Dandiflakes and Sugartips
All filled with Cream and Joy
With big old fat Curmudgeon Blobs
for every girl and boy
And Candi Apple Potpourri
And Dancing Wonderkind
With little fru fru Dinkerstuff
And Joyfulness Divine
And as for you, my Loving Friends,
I wish the Very Best,
And pray that you do not contract
A Rash upon your Chest.

A YULETIDE WISH
FROM THE HOFNAGLE FAMILY

Season’s greetings from the Hofnagles from our new home out behind the trailer park, but before the industrial park. If you hit the old train car full of oil barrels, you’ve gone too far. 
 
Each year, the time with family and friends becomes more precious. It seems each holiday season there’s one less sock up on the mantle. Uncle Hissup is gone on his annual pilgrimage to Graceland and, of course, Billy Joe’s not around after that accident in wood shop.
 
Nowledge abounds as our little ones often attend school, a real challenge for little Bobby what with the substance abuse and all. And Janie’s become especially popular with the high school boys. (Can you believe she’s in seventh grade already?) I’m sure her promiscuity is just a phase she’s going through. ‘Sides, Lord knows that’s what attracted me to her ma.
 
Disgusted with my petty job at the plant, I finally told Mr. Snodgrass exactly where he could put his Christmas cheer… and found my Christmas bonus replaced with a pink slip. Not exactly the holiday spirit, but he’s also suing for the use of his leg, and possibly the kids he’ll never be able to have, so…
 
Committed again this year, Aunt Sophie has given up experiments with the dead, at least for the holiday season. I don’t think she knows her butt from a hole in the ground, but Madge insists Sophie knows it’s the yuletide and has stopped mooning the nurses -- and keeps trying to hang Mistletoe from the rafters. Unfortunately, Mistletoe is the psych ward’s pet rabbit. 
 
A new job! Not for me, but Madge decided we needed to eat this December and one of those supermarket women’s magazines gave her the notion that she could provide for us and “find herself” in the process. Needless to say, I’ve put my foot down about this outrage six or seven times now and Madge has consequently had a headache every night for the last two weeks.
 
So, in conclusion, be thankful for what you’ve got – cuz we aint’ got squat. 
 
Happy Holidays from the Hofnagles. Wishing you and yours all the seasonal blessedness you can stomach.

KIDS!

Pah! Kids.  Kids today, they got it easy.  When I was a kid I had to spit into my gruel before I ate it. Had to haul coal before I learned to walk.  Taking a dump was a luxury!

Nowadays with their electronic this and Nintendo-that, kids don’t understand what it means to build something with your hands. To make a house, or, or a tree. No kid knows what that’s like.

They prance around in their fancy dungarees, boys sporting earrings and frilly female undergarments, blurring the line.  A girl was a girl and a boy was a boy in my day. And if you got caught with a hand down your trousers, your parents cut that hand off, dammit! Whether it was yours or not, and that’s how it should be!

Today’s generation don’t even know nothing, they believe nothing, they are nothing, but they want everything.  Their own rooms.  Their own cars.  Their own satellite dishes to watch Hulk Hogan cartoons or whatever they dissolve their brains with these days. Well then, I guess, if they want everything, absolutely everything, then they want my carpenter’s hand across their bottoms: a little bit of corporate punishment will bring them in tow, I reckon.

But I ain’t puttin’ my hand in their pants.  I need this hand.

If I had one wish for today’s children, it would be that they’d grow the hell up or get the hell out.  Hell, if I had a wish I’d use on myself: screw those brats.  But since I don’t have a wish, I’m putting them in sacks filled with rocks and tossing 'em in the river like a bag o' cats.
​
All Hail to God, Queen, and Country! I nabbed me a toddler!

​If you like what you're reading on the Flagrant website, why not check out Scott's new book!   
 
A young boy spends Christmas Eve fighting for his life against a maniacal Santa Claus.  

A malfunction turns a theme park of colonial animatronic figures into a nightmare of historic proportions.
​
Martin Luther King Jr. eats a baby.
 
Twenty-three twisted short stories that span the gamut from childish to offensive.  Sometimes both.
 
Now Available at Amazon.com