Woman Chokes on Fortune Cookie that Predicts Her Own Death
PASADENA – Local restaurant customer Elaine Donkeydingle was shocked when the fortune cookie at the end of her meal forecast her imminent demise, but that didn’t stop her from scarfing down the cookie and choking to death on the crumbs.
Paramedics were called to the scene but arrived too late to save the thoroughly dead customer.
“What a cookie,” said her stunned husband, Dirk Donkeydingle. “I mean, my cookie just said, ‘You will soon take on a new position.’ So I added ‘in bed’ at the end like I always do and had a good chuckle. But hers was like doom itself. I just keep thinking… if we’d gone to get pizza, she’d still be alive. It’s so ironic.”
Scientists, theologians, and bakers disagreed on what supernatural forces may or may not have been at work.
“Coincidence,” said Dr. Pith Wagglesnits of Timerwolf University as he shook his naked fanny at a passing seagull.
“Irony,” concluded Father Grope McYoungling from his rotating pulpit of doom.
“Fondant,” said chef, baker, and Keebler elf, Marty McSweenykins. “What was the question again?”
“Now if you’ll excuse me,” Dr. Wagglesnits interrupted, “I need to check on a man who just ended his thirty-day hunger strike and choked on his first bite of bread.”
When asked for comment on the woman’s choking death, the restaurant owner was defiant.
‘You can’t sue us. We have a sign right there: ‘Customer eats cookies at own risk.’ Right below the one that says, ‘We reserve the right to refuse service to doomed people.’”
“It’s weird,” her husband mused. “Because her horoscope warned her not to believe in predictions today, but her psychic is the one that told us to go out to dinner here in the first place.”
Funeral services for the deceased will be held behind the salad bar.