WHAT I'M THANKFUL FOR

by a Right-wing Nutjob

I’m thankful man built tools to carve turkey instead of the other way around. Coulda happened. 
 
I’m thankful my new truck was more expensive than my neighbor’s truck... and he knows it. 
 
I’m thankful I can eat as much as I want at Thanksgiving and every day as long as I drink light beer and diet pepsi.
 
I’m thankful kids at school no longer gotta learn about things that might make them sad or guilty or think.
 
I’m thankful Americans are waking up to the dangers of science, civil rights, and women having a say about their own body parts.  God bless the U.S. of A. and the confederate flag that represents it.
 
I’m thankful for my guns. Damn straight. Don’t care how many kids have to die so I can keep ‘em!
 
I’m thankful my job, and my power, and my privilitches ain’t been stolen yet by “one of them.”
 
I’m thankful my wife knows her place and my kids have a healthy fear of their father. 
 
I’m thankful racism is over and we don’t have to talk about it no more.
 
I’m thankful everyone finally knows that all life is sacred – except for the life of the mother. Or anyone on death row. Or immigrants. Or minorities. Or anyone who disagrees with me. Or actually, any of the unwanted babies once they are born and need anything.
 
I’m thankful for everything good that has come to me, even if it was at someone else’s expense. Hell, ESPECIALLY if it was at someone else’s expense. I deserve it, dammit!
 
I’m thankful for this holiday to honor the how the pilgrims and the Indians forged a cooperation that has lasted to this day. Amen and pass the stuffing!