Vegas Casinos Offer Odds on Which Disaster Will Kill Us First
Got a hunch that Russian aggression will destroy the world before global warming can? Wanna bet?
Oddsmakers at the Wynn Hotel in Las Vegas are now taking wagers on which of the many disasters plaguing our planet will obliterate mankind first.
“It’s just like bettin’ on the ponies,” said Harlan “Big Daddy” McKenzie, spokesman for the Wynn Hotel. “You pick a shoe-in -- like nuclear war or wildfires --and the odds ain’t all that great. Maybe 2:3 or 3:4. But you go for the long shot - like asteroid impact - or one that ain’t so popular no more, like that hole in the ozone layer, and you may get 10:1 odds. That’s a lotta scratch no matter how the earth cashes in her chips. Hell, you could probably get 100:1 on Y2K right now.”
“But don’t waltz in here thinkin’ you can shove a c-note at the teller and say ‘100 to win on global warming,’” McKenzie warns. “Half the gamblers in town want that action. The other half don’t believe in science, but that’s their problem. So we hadda break that puppy up into subgroups and whatnot: global warming heat, global warming hurricanes, global warming flooding… a whole global warming trifecta. You get the idea.”
“And if you take a look at the conflicts in the US of A and believe we’re headed for a total collapse of democracy, Civil War 2, or even a good old-fashioned race war, we’ve got you covered, but to get the best odds, you oughta place your bets before Trump gets indicted.”
According the a press release from the Wynn organization, other disasters at play include mass shooters, earthquakes, wildfires, volcanoes, the untimely death of Paul Rudd, mudslides, riots, artificial sweeteners, instability in the Middle East, income inequality, a vengeful God, alien invasion, water shortage, the next covid variant, North Korean madness, the explosion of the sun, Facebook, sharknado, and “anything involving a child celebrity.”
The Nevada Gaming Commission has issued an official statement opposing this new gambling trend, accusing the Wynn Hotel of attempting to profit off other people’s suffering and of trivializing life and death issues by turning them into a game of chance.
“To tell the truth, it’s not even a game of chance ‘cause these morons bettin’ on disaster ain’t never gonna be able to collect,” McKenzie laughed. “No matter what kills us, we’re all gonna be dead so we don’t have to pay out at all. It’s a Wynn win-win!”