Robert Barkbiter, a stocky, emotionally distant dry cleaner salesman with a head like a casaba melon, had no idea when he sent his viscous spittle to the good folks at 24 and Me that he’d be opening a genetic can of worms destined to change his life forever. The results not only showed he had a biological brother he never knew about, but that it was an identical twin!
After doing a little digging, Robert confirmed he had been one of two twin brothers, separated at birth for some obscure reason that doesn’t matter for this story, and thus began his five-year search to find and reunite with his sibling doppleganger.
Little did he imagine he would find his long-lost twin in the last place he looked… his marital bed.
After another long, fruitless day of trying to track down his brother with ill-advised door to door inquiries and untold hours at the library’s card catalog, Robert returned home and heard strange noises coming from his bedroom. He went to investigate.
There, engaged in spirited coitus, was his long-suffering wife and his long-missing brother, both without the proper modesty of clothing, rutting like randy pigs in a pen.
A river of emotions flowed over Robert as anger, surprise, joy, jealousy, and not a little bit of arousal surged through his veins. The man before him looked just like him. For Robert, it was like looking in a mirror, if that mirror were getting down and dirty with your spouse. His shock was not assuaged (or even mollified) when his newfound sibling blurted out his excuse.
“It’s not what it looks like!” his brother cried as he continued his fornicating. “I was just walking past the house and she came onto me!”
“I can explain,” Robert’s wife stammered between pelvic gyrations. “I thought he was you. I swear.”
“Ha!” Robert exclaimed. “Now I know you’re lying. You haven’t wanted sex in almost two years! Gotcha!”
They stared at one another in silence for what felt like hours. Finally, the two adulterers ceased their coupling.
“Well, this is awkward,” his wife said. “Particularly because your brother is so much better in the sack. Say, I’ve got an idea! Yes, a most wonderful idea. What if I kill you, Robert, and have your brother take your place? No one will ever know. And my life of emptiness and ennui will temporarily improve until I inevitably get sick of him as well!”
But as his wife reached for the loaded Remington six-gage twin action semi-automatic starting pistol she conveniently kept in her nightstand, Robert did the only thing he could think of: ripped off his clothes, dove onto the bed, and tackled his estranged brother, rolling around until his wife could no longer tell which one was which.
“I’m Robert’s brother!” one of them called out.
“No, no,” the other insisted. “I’m Robert’s brother!”
“Darn it all to hell and back,” she swore, sadly lowering her unused weapon. “Now what’s a gal supposed to do?”
Unable to tell them apart, she had no choice but to live out her days married to both of them… and boy, will she find out that twice the husbands means twice the headaches!
It’s Twinfidelity, coming this fall on Hulu!