TUCKER CARLSON FIRED
FOR DEVIANT SEXUAL BEHAVIORS!
Tucker Carlson, darling of the Fox News empire, was unceremoniously fired yesterday for what Fox representatives call a “long-standing, easily verifiable track record of disgusting and reprehensible behavior… and we’re not even talking about lying on air, dividing the country, and fomenting a riotous coup. We’re okay with that.”
Carlson, the popular host of Tucker Carlson Tonight and spokesmen for the asinine anti-woke crowd, has long fought off rumors of necrophilia, and bestiality, but the recent phalanx of accusers who stepped forward with eyewitness accounts of Carlson’s perversions became too much for the right-wing network to bear.
“I mean, if Tucker wants to sleep with animals, fine. Bestiality isn’t a crime. Is it? Hell if I know,” said acting Fox bigwig Rupert Murdoch, still limping from the royal buggering he got at the hands of the Dominion Voting System folks. “And if he wants to sleep with underaged animals, that’s his business. And if he wants to sleep with dead underaged animals – wait – isn’t he supposed to be a vegetarian? Ah, just fire that Mother Tucker!”
Pundits have long believed that Carlson’s manic obsession with the sexuality of the green M&M was a cover to distract the public from his real peccadillos.
“Wait, are you telling me he slept with a peccadillo?” Murdoch gasped. “That’s an abomination! Fire him again!”
While few are willing to speculate about the future of the immoral, hate-mongering clown now that he’s lost his job, representatives for the network say that the show “Tucker Carlson Tonight” will continue with a new host, a gibbering baboon in a pile of its own feces.
Ratings for the timeslot are expected to get a substantial bump.