THE MOON MUST BE STOPPED!
People say a lot of things about the moon.
That it’s made of cheese. Or that it’s the sun’s little brother. That the whole “moon landing” was a hoax and that the moon never landed on Earth at all. Or some even say that it’s a dead rock rotating around the earth nearly ten miles away.
Well I have a theory that is much simpler and, consequently, much more probable. And much more insidious. And possibly even garrulous.
I think the moon is an absence rather than an object.
I think it is the hole in the ozone layer.
Now hear me out, you doubting Thomases and nonbelieving Nancys. Remember when people used to talk about the hole in the ozone layer? All the time! They wouldn’t shut up about it. It was a big deal! So what if all the blackness around us at night is the so-called “ozone layer” and the little things we think are stars are actually like little pinpricks, little holes -- I call them o-holes -- that are burning through the black ozone layer like pimples on a beetle’s butt… and then the moon is just the biggest gaping, yawning chasm of all the o-holes?
So beyond all that black night ozone that surrounds the earth like a dipped Dairy Queen cone or a chocolate glazed Krispy Kreme, is the rest of the universe. And that rest of the universe is really, really, really, really bright, like white burning bright see-it-through-your-eyelids light, and it’s shooting straight through that hole in the ozone layer like a bean burrito through a Kansas City farmer.
There will certainly be unattractive naysayers, those jealous types who try to tear me down with their sexual innuendoes and malicious but partially true lies -- I’m talking to you, Mr. Vandenbosch!!! -- but that doesn’t mean I’m not right. I mean, since air-and-space science is just a theory, nobody will ever know for sure, so nobody can prove me right or wrong, but even so it’s worth considering. And considering hard. Extremely hard. Rock hard.
My point is, that full moon o-hole could be dangerous and nobody’s doing anything about it! And I say, with all the government money that goes towards homelessness and crime and nuclear war and rubber, shouldn’t some of that money, like a third of it, be shot up into space to plug up the moon hole?!? Shouldn’t it?
Yes. The answer is yes. If I wasn’t clear earlier, the answer is yes.
So if you’d like to help, you can send a donation in any amount to www.ShutYourO-hole.com and we’ll jam as much of it as we can into the moonhole as soon as we get a rocket. The human race will thank you… if it survives.