​TOILET COMMITS SUICIDE AFTER FAMILY OF FIVE
GETS TACO BELL PARTY PACK

Residents of 1486 Rochester Place are mourning the suicide of their sole toilet triggered when the family returned home with a Taco Bell Party Pack.
 
Members of the Baio family were shocked to find that the porcelain throne they use on a daily basis had taken its own life by climbing into the bathtub, downing a handful of pills, and slitting its pipes.
 
“This is such a crappy thing to doo doo,” said Scat Baio, the youngest of the children. “Firstly, to dump this on us without warning. And number two, NUMBER TWO, it’s especially shitty after we’ve given that toilet so much of ourselves.” 
 
“It’s so draining,” said another exhausted family member. “I’m pooped.”
 
The police do not suspect foul (smelling) play as a suicide note written on eighteen sheets of toilet paper was found on the bathroom stool. The note ended “Goodbye Cruel Baios. I’ve gotta go before you do. I’m running before you start running.” 
 
Representatives for Taco Bell did not respond to requests for comments, but one insider who was dropping his kids off at the pool spoke on condition of anonymity and said that “It’s really hit the fan now. This is not the first commode to end it all because of a fluid feces fear and most certainly it will not be the last to die…arrhea.”