SPACE ALIEN JUST WANTS TO BE HELD
In a joint statement released Tuesday, the United States military and NASA have verified evidence of intelligent life in the universe.
“We can no longer consider ourselves to be unique in the universe,” said a spokesman of some sort. “We are one of potentially millions or billions of intelligent species.”
Details about the government’s findings are slim, but reporters have confirmed that a living extraterrestrial creature has been seen on Earth’s surface.
The alien, first spotted in the cornfields of a farm in rural Nebraska, made contact with a farmhand in an attempt to establish a dialogue between cultures. However, once the farm worker, a young man of questionable common sense, tried to engage in sexual relations with the alien, any further attempts at communication were squelched.
“I just want to be held,” the alien said through an interpreter. “Is that so much to ask? Why can’t you get to know me before you rush to the sexual stuff? I want to be known. I want to be loved for more than my voluptuous eight-legged body and multiple heads.”
Despite the potential for almost limitless advance in technology from the aliens, the farmhand who was rebuffed in his attempts at coitus with the ET became pissy and subsequently killed and ate the creature.