CONFESSIONS OF A SEXUAL PSYCHIC:
​SHE KNOWS WHAT YOU’RE LIKE IN BED!

Gloria Fonsitollis isn’t like you or me. Some would say she has a gift. Others might call it a curse. For you see, Gloria has the rare ability to discern knowledge without the use of her five senses. 
 
“I’m sensin’ you’se a lousy person,” Gloria said, confronting a woman passing by pushing her chihuahua in a Gucci stroller, “but dang, you’se on fire between the sheets! Good on you!”
 
Utilizing something that practitioners have called a “sixth sense,” Gloria divines information about people she’s never met – whether she wants to or not.
 
“Ya think I wants to visualize youse and your skinny pickle of a wife doin’ the dirty deed?” Gloria asked rhetorically. “Hells no. But this power ain’t a radio or a hairdryer. It ain’t got no on/off switch.”
 
According to Ms. Fonsitollis, she has no control over when she “intuits” info about those around her, but when it happens, she’s not shy about speaking out.
 
“Hey buddy! Yeah, youse in the fancy knickers!” she called out to a well-attired businessman crossing the street. “You may tink you’re the cock of the walk and all, but lord a’mighty, you got a short willy and an even shorter time in the sack. You’se a very selfish lover.” The man in question strode away in a huff, but the woman accompanying him paused long enough to yell back.
 
“She’s right. He is!”
 
“I done had this here clair-avoidant ability since I was a knee high to a tadpole, but I don’t didn’t know what in tarnation it was back then,” Gloria explained as she lit up another Salem. “See, I get these here flashes – like sudden bursts in my noggin’-- sometimes I SEES somethin’ – like a quick flash of a pale white butt pumpin’ away. Or I hears a buncha squeaky bed springs and disappointin’ moans. Or sometimes it’s just a smell. Landagoshin, I hate it when it’s a smell.”
 
Though her ability is extremely unique and surprisingly accurate, she has yet to find a way to capitalize on it. 
 
“Yeah, mostly I just annoys people,” she admitted. “Or cause fights. Or divorces. A lotta divorces. You think people might oughta pay for that?”
 
It’s unclear what the future hold for Ms. Fonsitollis, but clearly she intends to keep using this extrasensory power, come hell or high water, as she demonstrated by yelling after me as I left our interview.
 
“You prolly oughta wanna change things up a bit in the bedroom before it gets stale, Mr. Reporter Man. Or should I call you Missionary Man?”