​How To Have Sex With Abraham Lincoln

If power is an aphrodisiac, then the power of the president is a potent mixture of oysters, a roofie, and Spanish Fly! Everybody wants to get a piece of presidential poon tang. 

“There’s a party in my pants” pales compared to a POTUS in my pants. And who, hands down, is the most popular president in the history of this fine nation?

Abraham Lincoln.

Log splitter. Emancipator. Sex symbol.

There’s an old joke that goes “What would Abraham Lincoln be doing if he were alive today?” The answer? “Clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin.” It’s funny because it’s true, but what you WANT Abe Lincoln to be doing... is YOU!
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Who doesn’t want to be doing the horizontal mambo with our 16th president? He was taller than a stovepipe hat and twice as stiff. And everyone wants to run their fingers through that luxurious beard. (The one on his face. He had an equally luxuriant swath of hair below the equator before he donated it to a burn ward during the Civil War for emergency merkin surgery.)

But wanting to bang Honest Abe and actually doing the deed are two very different things. The man was a cunning, self-educated lawyer and a brilliant strategist, so you’re not going to trick him into doing anything he doesn’t want to do. But… an evening of sardonic quips and subtle innuendo over a light dinner of cabbage and salt pork will do wonders to woo the 16th president into an amorous mood. 

After you’ve sweet talked the great orator into Lincoln’s bedroom, and plied him with straight whisky (there’s a reason they called him Hard Drinkin’ Lincoln), there’s still the matter of 19th century clothing to deal with. You see, they had freaky weird underwear back then so figuring out how to unbutton, unfasten, and disengage all the loop-and-hook eye fasteners and multi-purpose cinch-shingles may be a bit of a challenge. So if you don’t want to wait four score and seven years to break his presidential seal, a pair of buttonhole scissors or a versatile bowie knife is key to slicing through that stiff fabric and cutting the time between you and sweet, sweet love-making. So pack a pair of tailor shears in your kit and whip them out when you’re ready to rumble.

Once you’ve got all six foot four undressed and ready, I know you’re eager to start slapping flesh, but you miiiiiight want to consider giving stinkin’ Lincoln a quick sponge bath. Or a real bath. Or turn the hose on him. Most folks in the 1800’s took a bath once a year, and even the well-to-do who had their own tub only took a dip a few times a month. So the former congressman from the great state of Illinois is gonna be ripe. 

One word of warning before you dive in: You want to be sure to gently cradle the back of his head. Sure, it makes him feel safe and cared for, but more importantly, it keeps what’s left of his brain matter from spilling out of the bullet hole in his cranium. (Some might suggest using that artillery cavity as another potential area for passionate lovemaking. Not me. I believe a certain amount of decorum and respect is called for when it comes to the office of the president of these United States and I draw the line at wound-whacking.)

Now back to shtooping Honest Abe Lincoln.

As you gaze down at his impressive Lincoln log, it will become obvious how he garnered the nickname “The Rail Splitter,” but don’t just stampede to his genitalia like it’s the Battle of Bull Run. Take your time to caress his manly chest, cup his taut presidential buttocks, and suck that maddeningly sexy mole on the side of his face.

Finally, it’s time to take on the towering organ that puts the Washington Monument to shame. A phallus twice as hard as Mt. Rushmore (with his face on it!). Thicker than a roll of pennies (with his face on it!) Longer than a five dollar bill (You know what goes here.) I mean, the man had a size 14 shoe; you do the math. Despite what he said in his speeches, all men are not created equal. 

Obviously, you’ve been looking forward to this moment for a long time. And although the excitement racing through your body like electricity is palpable, you should not be surprised if it is laced with a bit of anxiety. Yes, this is a thrilling moment, but who among us, faced with one of the most revered figures of American history, wouldn’t worry about performance… about properly satisfying a man who was never satisfied with the status quo? 

Well, let me put your mind at ease. You’re going to be fine. Especially when compared with what Abraham was used to getting in the sack. 

It goes without saying that Mary Todd Lincoln was a bit of a nut job. She was a constant source of worry and embarrassment for him in the White House, but was a rip-roarin’ crazy woman in the sack. It is said that every time Abraham was being fitted for a new suit, tailors would compare the scratch marks down his back to the whip-lashed backsides of the slaves he was trying to emancipate. But there was no Underground Railroad for Abraham to slip away in the night. Their marriage was one union that could never be split in two.

In summation, treat the president with the respect his office deserves and as long as you’re a generous lover, don’t squirt in his eye, and remember to bow or curtsy on your way out, you’ll do just fine. Happy humping!
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Caution: When attempting to get freaky with “Abe the Babe,” don’t make the mistake of looking for him at his Gettysburg address. He’s not there.