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tom hanks as gepetto takes pinocchio's hand

Fans Outraged that Live-Action Pinocchio
​Is Made of Slightly Darker Wood than Animated Version

Disney’s latest live action remake of an animated classic has been engulfed in controversy as legions of fans have decried the darkness of the wood used to sculpt the titular character Pinocchio. 
 
“This is an abomination,” said one grown man in a rant on Twitter, Reddit, and several other social platforms. “Pinocchio was always meant to be made of American White Oak, or European White Beech, maybe Hard Maple to preserve accuracy, but this puppet looks like it was carved from a dark mahogany! This is a classic Italian story and mahogany trees are not native to the Italian peninsula. #NotMyPinocchio!”
 
The backlash erupted when Disney studios released a single image from the yet-to-be-released film depicting a kindly Geppetto, played by Tom Hanks, putting the finishing touches on his makeshift heir. Fan negativity centered around the use of what is perceived to be a slightly darker wood for the “woke” puppet in the live-action film compared to what fans imagine they remember from the original film last seen on a scratchy VHS tape in 1982. 
 
Some members of the online community even went so far as to use AI to paint over Pinocchio’s face in the image, replacing it with a white-washed pine end table.
 
“I’m furious!” said an unemployed, absentee father of two who had a full day free to protest in front of the legendary studios. “Walt Disney would be rolling over in his cryogenically frozen grave if he heard about this third world jungle wood being used for his beloved ‘real boy.’ You’re raping my childhood!”
 
A spokesman for the Disney company pointed out that Pinocchio is “a fictional character who talks to blue fairies and befriends a cricket. From a cartoon release in 1940, over 80 years ago. That wasn’t your childhood. That was your grandparents’ childhood. And they had an excuse for being so racist; you don’t.”
 
“We honestly don’t understand why a certain segment of our fan base is so focused on this issue,” the spokesman continued. “I mean there are so many other things about this movie to be upset about. The leaden dialogue, the theme-destroying sanitization of the story, Hank’s godawful Italian accent, a much-too-generous 28% on rotten tomatoes, or director Robert Zemeckis’s sick obsession with animation-live action hybrid movies that should have died with the dead-eyed abomination of Polar Express. But now I’ve said too much.”
 
This isn’t the first time Disney remakes have faced the wrath of toxic fandom. Protests erupted over the live-action remake of Mulan with detractors saying Mulan looked “too Asian,” and the remake of Dumbo, when fans found out that Disney used CGI instead of a real flying elephant. 
 
The live-action Pinocchio will premiere next month on Disney+, the default graveyard for all of the company’s abysmal rehashes and blatant money grabs, and will then quickly be forgotten. 

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