MY HUSBAND’S 385TH INAPPROPRIATE
REMARK IS THE FINAL STRAW

I knew Marvin could be a bit off-color when I met him and he told a homeless couple to “get a room,” but I let it go.
 
When he made horrible racial and ethnic jokes about the “inferior” Swiss and their substandard cheeses, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
 
He said that after watching “Annie” he was only attracted to orphans and asked if it would be okay if he killed my parents. But I didn’t make a fuss, figuring that he’d grow out of it, that once we got married, he’d stop. 
 
At our wedding reception, he told my mother to “shake that ass” adding that “the huge jiggly apple doesn’t fall far from the gigantic blubbery tree.” I turned the other cheek. He spent the rest of the night calling me his “backdoor bride,” and inviting all of my bridesmaids to our house for a sleepover the next time I went out of town… but still I let it go.
            
On our honeymoon, he said that sex with me was like having his skin shaved off with a cheese grater, but less satisfying. Still, I hoped he’d mellow out with time. 
 
When I got pregnant with our first child, he said I’d put on enough baby weight to hibernate for the next three years. He said that if he’d wanted to live with a hormonal manatee, he would’ve moved to Sea World. I didn’t say a peep.
 
As our kids grew, he told them that baby puppies are nature’s candy. And that if refugees became Christian they could just pray to refu-jesus. When our kids had squabbles and asked him whose side he was on, he’d say geno-side. I rolled my eyes and ignored him.       
 
But the 385th time takes the cake. That’s one too many in my book. He’s taken it too far this time and it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back. Words hurt and cruel words hurt the most. Even after years of his insensitive comments, I couldn’t believe what came out of his mouth when I asked him if these jeans made me look fat:
 
“A little…”