ARCHEOLOGIST PROVES MAN EVOLVED FROM FERRETS
Hey, all you people who believe in science. When it comes to evolution, your oh-so-intelligent super scientists have screwed up again in a big way.
According to the findings of archeologist Dr. Dipthong Lakeswallow, mankind did NOT evolve from apes. It did NOT evolve from amoebas. It did NOT evolve from David Hasselhoff despite his sexual proclivities in the 80’s and 90’s.
No. Man evolved from ferrets.
“I was shocked, flabbergasted, and more than a little bit peckish,” Lakeswallow said. “This changes everything we know about ourselves as a species, and what time is lunch?”
“This is preposterous,” said some guy who knew stuff. “Everything from skeletal structure to the birthing mechanisms are completely different. Yes, certain parrots can mimic speech, but that doesn’t mean humans evolved from – what? What’s that? – oh FERRETS. I thought he said PARROTS. Nevermind.”
While the rest of the academic and scientific community has not yet had a chance to scrutinize Lakeswallow’s findings, they appear to be shortsighted and horribly flawed.
“Actually, I only studied one guy. I had my neighbor’s DNA – don’t ask – so technically I guess HE evolved from ferrets,” Lakeswallow confessed before adding, “Are you gonna finish that sandwich?”