MAKE-A-WISH BOY HATES DISNEYLAND
“This was my one wish. My one shot. No do-overs,” said terminal toddler Marty Simpson, 6, as he left what he called the “crappiest place on Earth.”
Marty was at the popular Southern California amusement park courtesy of the Make-a-Wish Foundation, an organization that offers special opportunities to young people afflicted with serious diseases or medical conditions.
“I’m not getting those fourteen hours back, that’s for damn sure,” the leukemia-riddled boy groused. “I spent all freakin’ day waiting in line behind fat, smelly white trash from every flyover state between here and New York City. Seriously, these Make-a-Wish jerkwads couldn’t cough up the extra forty bucks for Lightning Lane?”
Jonathan Samuels, a representative for the foundation who accompanied the lucky boy every step of the way on his Disney adventure, explained that granting wishes to deserving children is not only about the fun of that day, but it can provide hope and give strength to the patient to continue fighting their disease… although not in this specific case.
“How the hell is it an hour wait for the Dumbo ride? It’s literally an elephant-themed merry-go-round. I’ve literally gotten a bone marrow transplant in less time. And then we get stuck on It’s a Small World for FORTY-FIVE MINUTES?!?” Marty screamed. “How the hell do you get stuck on a DRIFTING BOAT? WTF?!”
“For some kids,” Samuels explained patiently, “living out a wish-come-true can be a turning point in their medical journey. I mean, I’m not pediatric oncologist – or Lord knows I wouldn’t be stuck here today – but apparently, it helps them to believe anything is possible and to fight harder.”
“It was literally a day from hell,” the sickly boy snarled as he took alternating bites between his corndog and his frozen banana. “We must’ve walked FIFTEEN miles today! I mean, I was in a wheelchair and my feet are STILL killing me! I mean, crap, I had more fun getting a biopsy. That big-eared mouse can suck my cancerous corpse.”
While many recipients of the Make-a-Wish grant ask to meet their heroes from the world of sports or entertainment, the vast majority ask for a trip to one of the Disney parks that they’ve always dreamed of.
“A dream? This was more like a nightmare. The guy in the seven dwarves costume wouldn’t hug me because he said he didn’t want to CATCH MY CANCER,” Marty said, shaking his recently shaved head. “Can you believe this character? ‘Dopey’ is right. I found myself thinking, ‘I left chemo for THIS?!?’ I mean, I don’t have long to live, but now because of this disaster, I don’t even want to live THAT long. Oh great, now I’m exhibiting suicidal ideation. Thanks, Disney!”
Although the Walt Disney Corporation rarely comments on their longtime association with the Make a Wish foundation, a park spokesman did have a few words on the boy’s recent visit, saying, “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Hakuna Matata. Bibidi Babidi Boo!”