SLANDER

Keanu Reeves Is Narcoleptic:
​He Slept Through His Most Famous Performances!

Hollywood bon vivant and world-renowned John Wick celebrity Keanu Reeves shocked the world when he revealed that he suffers from narcolepsy, a sleep disorder that can lead to a person falling asleep in the middle of normal daily tasks.
 
“We’ve known for quite some time about Mr. Reeve’s condition,” said big time director John Snagglestix. “I mean, on that there movie Speed, at first we thought he was doing these really long dramatic pauses, but then we remembered he doesn’t actually do anything dramatic. That’s when we realized he’d fallen asleep.”
 
This could have been the end of Reeve’s career.
 
“I mean nothing against Mr. Reeves,” said some lady that works in the business peripherally. “He’s a sweet, wonderful guy -- kind, generous, good attitude, but he’s fallen asleep in every single role since Point Break.”
 
“Let’s just say we found a way around it,” Snagglestix said with a wink that I wasn’t quite sure how to interpret. “Heck, I know people who have had to finish movies after a key actor has died, so this is nothing. We fixed it. We got a guy.”
 
“You’ve heard of the director, the cameraman? I’m the Keanu man,” said Arnold Stiffenheimer, a former Henson Company puppeteer. “I work very closely with Mr. Reeves and, well, I’m basically manipulating his limp and lifeless body.”
 
Using wires, prosthetics, and a variety of in camera tricks, Stiffenheimer and his crew give Reeves the lifelike performances he’s become known for in ‘Dracula’ and ‘Bill and Ted.’ 
 
“It’s not unlike puppeteering the dead body in the comedy classic ‘Weekend at Bernies’” said someone whose references are still stuck in the 80’s. “Except that its Johnny Mnemonic being puppeted.”
 
“Different shots take different set ups,” Stiffenheimer explained, “But more often than not, I just prop his mouth open with a toothpick – in a kind of a sneer --  and mumble his lines offscreen. It seems to work just fine. Looks like Neo to me!”
 
“Not to toot my own horn,” Stiffenheimer grinned sheepishly, “but some critics say his performances have actually gotten better.”