Jefferson’s Ghost Advises President:
“Not Very Helpful,” Biden Says.
In a statement that enraged skeptics, confounded the opposition party, and aroused young fangirls of this nation’s third leader, current President Biden admitted on Tuesday that he has been in contact with the ghost of Thomas Jefferson and that the late statesman’s advice has been, in his words, “less than stellar.”
“You kidding me? Come on now. Look, his go-to suggestion is always the same: double the size of the country,” Biden complained. “It worked for him with the Louisiana Purchase, so now any time I complain about a lack of resources or overpopulation, he trots out the Louisiana Territory like he’s the cock of the walk. Let’s get real here, folks. I mean, I guess I could annex Canada, but what a paperwork nightmare that would be, you know the drill, no joke.”
Some Washington pundits have suggested that this “communicating with the dead” is just another sign of the current president’s advancing age and shouldn’t be taken any more seriously than his childhood stories about riverboat trips with Huck Finn.
“It’s sad, let’s be real. It’s sad because I started to confide in him,” Biden said of the Founding Father. “Despite the nylons and powdered wig, or perhaps because of them, no joke, he seemed like a kindred spirit. Or a spirit of some kind anyway. But when I open up, you know the drill, and tell him that there never seems to be enough hours in the day to do everything that’s expected of me, he keeps telling me I just have to learn to delegate, i.e. have ‘my slaves do it.’ That’s really not helpful.”
“Or, say I have a meeting in New York; he’ll condescendingly suggest that instead of looking out the window and daydreaming, I could use that two-day carriage ride to catch up on my correspondence,” Biden explained. “Get your facts straight, Jack. It’s not 1805 anymore! Come on now.”
Born in 1743 and patriotically passing away on the July 4, 1826, the architect of the Declaration of Independence and founder of the University of Virginia can certainly be forgiven for not keeping up with the latest Silicon Valley invention or celebrity relationship gossip, but the nation’s current POTUS feels there are certain historic developments that should be common knowledge.
“I mean, God forbid if I mention I had a meeting with the British prime minister! Thomas goes bonkers, just bananas, hurling profanities about ‘redcoat this’ and “King George that.’ It’s offensive.”
President Jefferson is not the first spectral figure to be seen at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Guests and politicians alike have spotted our 16th president while staying in the Lincoln bedroom, and report seeing Martin Van Buren dancing naked on the White House lawn.
“Look, look, let me be clear. The only place my predecessor and I can find common ground is on the second amendment,” Biden conceded. “His 1800’s concept of a well-regulated militia did not include redneck hunters with AK47’s or daily school shootings. Come on now. But his brilliant advice to show opposition to the gun lobby, no joke, is to toss a bunch of tea into Boston harbor, dressed as ‘Native Americans’ nonetheless. Although that’s not the word he used. Let’s get real folks; the guy is a bit of a tool.”