INNOCENT GOAT-MAN MISTAKEN FOR SATAN
HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA - A local recluse, known only as Goat-Man for his bizarre farm-animal features, was mistaken for the Anti-Christ by a mob of vengeful church-goers.
"We'd just finished Sunday services when we saw the abomination come walking down the street like he owned the place," said Margaret Applebee, an elderly parishioner. “Horns. Cloven hooves. Maybe he didn't have a pitchfork or an obvious devotion to evil, but we knew who it was."
According to authorities, taunts of "Go back to hell!" and "Skin the Goat and Make a Coat!" quickly degenerated into rock-throwing and torch raising.
"I was just going to the market to get some kibble," the clearly shaken Goat-Man told reporters. "But these bible-thumpers started after me with holy water, and crosses, and one guy even tried to drive a stake through my heart. I mean, please, if you're going to persecute me, at least get your stereotypes right."
The half-man, half-billy-goat professed his innocence to the unruly congregation, asserting that the worst thing he'd ever done was to "eat some guy's mailbox," but the crowd persisted in equating him with the archfiend Lucifer.
"I tried to run," Goat-Man bleated, "but everywhere I went, this darn bell around my neck gave me away."
Fortunately for Goat-Man, an atheist police officer heard the commotion and quickly broke up the crowd.
"When will this intolerance end?" lamented Officer Gordon Grapeswiller of the Huntsville Police Department. "Just last month, this same bunch of yahoos tried to string up Doc Kissler for being a werewolf. I mean, sure, she's a little hairy, but this is unacceptable."
By Scott D. Peterson as originally printed in the Weekly World News.