​I’M WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL FOR THE COMMERCIALS!

“I don’t care about football,” said a bone-headed simpleton friend of mine that for the sake of this article I’ll call Steve Borscht. “But I’m going to be tuning into the Super Bowl to watch the commercials!”
 
I’m serious. This half-witted mental defective literally said that he WANTS to watch commercials!!!
 
Now, where I come from (Normal People Land!) everyone HATES commercials. We pay big bucks to watch streaming services without any freakin’ commercials, or if we have to, we DVR a show so we can fast-forward through all the MOTHER HUBBARD ADVERTISEMENTS!
 
But this inbred monkey-brain schmuck is declaring his intention to PURPOSELY watch commercial after commercial after commercial… FOR THE FUN OF IT!
 
I gotta tell you something, Stevey Boy, you dimwit. These thirty-second gems aren’t cute little Tik Tok videos made for your passing enjoyment. The powers that be on Madison Avenue spend BIG BUCKS to make these glossy spots with their Hollywood production values and then pay MILLIONS – yes, you heard me, MILLIONS – of dollars to air them during the Super Bowl!!
 
And you think they do this so you can have a chuckle?!?
 
Get a grip, you ignorant muttonheaded Neanderthal. They do it to SELL A PRODUCT.  
 
These so-called “companies” have teams of psychologists and behaviorists and focus groups and rats running endless mazes just to figure out precisely how to trigger YOUR BUYING IMPULSES. They also have high-end ad agencies ON RETAINER whose sole purpose is to find devious ways to get your attention and SUCK. YOU. IN. 
 
You may think you just watched a heart-warming story about a father and son bonding beside a campfire, but did you notice that they are BOTH holding CANS OF COKE? Both of them?!?! Do you think that’s a COINCIDENCE?!? Don’t be such a fat-headed moron.
 
You are LITERALLY opening the door to your subconscious to these people and saying, “Hey, come on in! The water’s fine!” Ever heard of BRAIN WASHING, you addlepated ignoramus? You might as well drop trou, bend over, and turn on the fire hose for the mind enema of a lifetime because YOUR HEAD IS UP YOUR BUTT, bro!!!
 
So maybe before you announce to the world that you want to watch the Super Bowl for the commercials, you should take a second and stop being such an IDIOTIC TWIT, you dolt!