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words of the week
It’s My Right to Cover Myself in Gasoline and Light a Match!
An Impassioned Essay by Scott Peterson
I don’t care what the “pundits” in the media say or how many fake news stories they publish, it is my right as an American citizen to believe what I want to believe, and to do what I want to do, especially when it comes to dousing myself in flammable fluids and igniting a small flame. I have no sympathy for those fly-by-night supporters of gasoline immersion who gave up the fight when a few completely coincidental fatal fires happened to people who just HAPPENED to be dripping with flammable fuel. Or those who jumped on the anti-gas-and-flame band wagon when so called “scientists” declared that the activity was “dangerous” and “reckless” and “life-threatening.” I don’t need some Harvard educated egghead telling me what highly combustible substances I can and can’t pour over my body before flicking on my lighter. Ask yourself this question: Why is it that no one is complaining about people who inundate themselves with perfume or cologne? Or those so-called patriots who immerse themselves from head to toe in sea water? Or the WACKOS who GET NAKED and pour HOT WATER on their bodies day after day after day? Apparently, that’s perfectly acceptable. And yet, every conspiracy nut comes out of the woodwork the one time you suggest soaking yourself in petrol and starting a fire? A little suspicious, isn’t it? And now there are those extremist nutjobs who want to limit my ignitable fluid freedom by taking away my right to buy fifty gallon drums of unleaded. And they’re supported by an oppressive Big Brother who says citizens with a history of violence, murder, and arson should be prohibited from having any flammable fluids at all! What is this, Nazi Germany? Don’t bury your head in the middle eastern sand, my friend. Do you honestly think the insane prices for gasoline, growing higher every day, are due to supply and demand? This is a deliberate attempt by those at the highest echelons of power to keep the most flammable of fluids for the elite of Wall Street instead of the common man of Main Street. How is the breadwinner of a family of four supposed to afford enough to saturate himself, let alone his loved ones? This attack on our god given right to take an Exxon Mobile shower is a modern day witch hunt, the greatest witch hunt the world has ever seen, started by the deep pockets of the fire extinguisher industry and propagated by the politicians who’ve been raking in millions of dollars in donations from Smokey the Bear and the radical fundamentalists at the municipal fire stations all over this country. Mark my words: First they came for the gasoline, but I didn’t cover myself in gasoline, so I didn’t speak up. Then they came for the other products that often lead to self-immolations, but I wasn’t paying attention, so I said nothing. And when they finally came for me, there was no one left to speak out for me. That sucks! Make America Burn Again! |
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words of every other week
Top New Flavors of Illicit Drugs
All socially acceptable addictions like alcohol, cigarettes, and caffeinated beverages can be found in a wild assortment of types and flavors, despite the fact that the users have no choice but to keep consuming them. But for the longest time, those addicted to illegal substances found their choices severely limited. Now, finally, the array of tasty options has arrived as illustrated below in the nation’s top new flavors of illicit drugs.
Cotton Candy Ecstasy Long Island LSD Bloody Molly Hand Rolled Hazelnut Mescaline Acapulco Gold Dust (Not Your Parent’s PCP) Caramel Ribbon Crunch Heroin Marlboro Filtered Ketamine for Women Schweppe’s All Natural Carbonated Nitrous Royal English Breakfast Acid Diet Psilocybin – with Zero Sugar! Unsweetened Peach Nectar Amphetamines Iced Half-Caf Oxy-chino Menthol Meth – Ultra Light Cookies and Cream Crack Cocaine Lucious Lemon-Lime Paint Thinner Jell-O Pudding Flavored Rohypnol |
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Citizens Group Demands Bird Baths Open to All Dirty Animals
ANN ARBOR, MI – A group of concerned citizens calling themselves NMFA, or No More Filithy Animals, disrupted a city council meeting on Thursday with vociferous demands to stop perpetuating the “avian only” status for the city’s bird baths.
“This is blatant anti-mammalism!” yelled one particularly angry attendee who refused to be identified for fear of being identified. “Why should we provide free, voter-subsidized cleansing stations for our feathered friends and deny the very real health and social benefits of public bathing to our filthy furry brethren?” Armed with protest signs screaming “Go Ahead, Bathe My Stray” and “Only You Can Prevent Filthy Ferrets,” along with makeshift posters depicting the matted fur of disheveled house pets and unkempt woodland creatures, the roughly two dozen protestors continually interrupted the proceedings to air their grievances. “What’s next? Birds only drinking fountains?” ranted a local woman dressed as a mangy chipmunk. “Or sending beavers to the back of the bus?” She then led the unruly group in a chant of “Give a Hoot, Wash Your Newt,” that quickly devolved into angry shouting. City Councilman Nate Mancini tried in vain to bring the meeting under control, but was unable to quell the unrest. “Where are the bear baths? The sheep showers? The titmouse tubs?!?” demanded an increasingly agitated man in a “Just Douche It” T-shirt. “You’ve got dozens of these marbleized bird bath pedestals littering our cityscape, but is there even one designated spot where I can hose off my weasel?” The NMFA organizers warned that if the city council didn’t vote to provide funding for immediate expansion of the number and type of critter cleansing facilities in the city, they will take it upon themselves to remove the existing baths. “If one of us is unbathed, then none of us are clean!” shouted an infuriated mother of two small chihuahuas. City officials urged the crowd not to throw the baby out with the bird bath water and stated that any soak site vigilantes would be prosecuted to the furthest extent of the law. The city council meeting adjourned shortly after midnight without having come to any resolution on the matter at hand, nor did they resolve the scheduled topic for the night’s meeting, gerrymandering. “Personally, I don’t think any creature, fish or fowl, has the right to do their ablutions in public,” said a city hall janitor attending the proceedings. “That’s why I haven’t washed up in weeks.” |
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If you like what you see on the Flagrant website, why not check out Scott's new book! A young boy spends Christmas Eve fighting for his life against a maniacal Santa Claus. A malfunction turns a theme park of colonial animatronic figures into a nightmare of historic proportions. Martin Luther King Jr. eats a baby. Twenty-three twisted short stories than span the gamut from childish to offensive. Sometimes both. Now Available at Amazon.com |