words of the week
It’s My Right to Cover Myself in Gasoline and Light a Match!
An Impassioned Essay by Scott Peterson
I don’t care what the “pundits” in the media say or how many fake news stories they publish, it is my right as an American citizen to believe what I want to believe, and to do what I want to do, especially when it comes to dousing myself in flammable fluids and igniting a small flame.
I have no sympathy for those fly-by-night supporters of gasoline immersion who gave up the fight when a few completely coincidental fatal fires happened to people who just HAPPENED to be dripping with flammable fuel. Or those who jumped on the anti-gas-and-flame band wagon when so called “scientists” declared that the activity was “dangerous” and “reckless” and “life-threatening.” I don’t need some Harvard educated egghead telling me what highly combustible substances I can and can’t pour over my body before flicking on my lighter.
Ask yourself this question: Why is it that no one is complaining about people who inundate themselves with perfume or cologne? Or those so-called patriots who immerse themselves from head to toe in sea water? Or the WACKOS who GET NAKED and pour HOT WATER on their bodies day after day after day? Apparently, that’s perfectly acceptable. And yet, every conspiracy nut comes out of the woodwork the one time you suggest soaking yourself in petrol and starting a fire? A little suspicious, isn’t it?
And now there are those extremist nutjobs who want to limit my ignitable fluid freedom by taking away my right to buy fifty gallon drums of unleaded. And they’re supported by an oppressive Big Brother who says citizens with a history of violence, murder, and arson should be prohibited from having any flammable fluids at all! What is this, Nazi Germany?
Don’t bury your head in the middle eastern sand, my friend. Do you honestly think the insane prices for gasoline, growing higher every day, are due to supply and demand? This is a deliberate attempt by those at the highest echelons of power to keep the most flammable of fluids for the elite of Wall Street instead of the common man of Main Street. How is the breadwinner of a family of four supposed to afford enough to saturate himself, let alone his loved ones?
This attack on our god given right to take an Exxon Mobile shower is a modern day witch hunt, the greatest witch hunt the world has ever seen, started by the deep pockets of the fire extinguisher industry and propagated by the politicians who’ve been raking in millions of dollars in donations from Smokey the Bear and the radical fundamentalists at the municipal fire stations all over this country.
Mark my words: First they came for the gasoline, but I didn’t cover myself in gasoline, so I didn’t speak up. Then they came for the other products that often lead to self-immolations, but I wasn’t paying attention, so I said nothing. And when they finally came for me, there was no one left to speak out for me. That sucks!
Make America Burn Again!
words of every other week
Top New Flavors of Illicit Drugs
All socially acceptable addictions like alcohol, cigarettes, and caffeinated beverages can be found in a wild assortment of types and flavors, despite the fact that the users have no choice but to keep consuming them. But for the longest time, those addicted to illegal substances found their choices severely limited. Now, finally, the array of tasty options has arrived as illustrated below in the nation’s top new flavors of illicit drugs.
Cotton Candy Ecstasy
Long Island LSD
Hand Rolled Hazelnut Mescaline
Acapulco Gold Dust (Not Your Parent’s PCP)
Caramel Ribbon Crunch Heroin
Marlboro Filtered Ketamine for Women
Schweppe’s All Natural Carbonated Nitrous
Royal English Breakfast Acid
Diet Psilocybin – with Zero Sugar!
Unsweetened Peach Nectar Amphetamines
Iced Half-Caf Oxy-chino
Menthol Meth – Ultra Light
Cookies and Cream Crack Cocaine
Lucious Lemon-Lime Paint Thinner
Jell-O Pudding Flavored Rohypnol
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A young boy spends Christmas Eve fighting for his life against a maniacal Santa Claus.
A malfunction turns a theme park of colonial animatronic figures into a nightmare of historic proportions.
Martin Luther King Jr. eats a baby.
Twenty-three twisted short stories than span the gamut from childish to offensive. Sometimes both.
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