Henry Cavill Fired as Superman:
Immediately Races to a Horse to be Paralyzed!
In a stunning turn of events, ridiculously handsome actor Henry Cavill was informed that he will no longer be playing Superman in the DC Extended Cinematic Zach Snyder Universe of Heroes, and the well-built thespian reacted to the news by being thrown from a horse and paralyzed.
“It worked for Christopher Reeve,” Cavill said from his bed at Cedar Sinai Hospital where he is being evaluated for spinal injuries, broken bones, and huge mental lapses of judgment. “One little horse toss and suddenly he was the talk of the town. Why couldn’t that work for me?”
Doctors caution all celebrities and franchise actors not to purposely induce lifelong medical trauma to their bodies in the hopes of sympathy and attention, reaching out specifically to Ben Affleck who was found taping steaks to his body outside the bear pit at the Los Angeles Zoo.
James Gunn, one of the two new DC dictators, expressed dismay that Cavill would take such drastic action.
“Movie execs are ephemeral,” Gunn said. “They change with the wind and consequently so do casting decisions. But cervical spinal injuries are forever. Sucks to be you.”
“I didn’t know that,” Cavill wheezed over the constant hum of his ventilator. “Maybe I didn’t think this through.”