HAUNTED WOMB FILLED WITH GHOST BABIES
“I’ve heard of a haunted house, maybe even a haunted room, but a haunted womb?”
 
So said local resident Missy Price who seems to have been treated to a special Halloween trick that is growing inside her.
 
“I felt something kick on the first of October and that was my first clue that there was something strange going on,” said the mother-to-be. “That and the fact that I haven’t had sex with anyone in a year-and-a-half.”
 
A visit to her gynecologist didn’t help matters as there was no fetus visible on the sonogram – but what about INvisible fetuses?
 
The real surprise came when Dr. Kevin Mitchell, obstetrician and part time spiritualist, told Price that EVP ultrasound recordings picked up more than one heartbeat and motion-triggered cameras placed between her legs caught images of not one, not two, but three spectral squatters inside her lady parts.
 
“The nurse said I looked like I’d seen a ghost,” said Dr. Kevin Mitchell. “And I had… times three. I’d spotted Inky, Blinky, and Clyde!”
 
“I was shocked when they told me,” Price admitted. “First because I thought they said I was carrying three baby goats, but then I realized they said baby ghosts – much less disturbing.  Still, I feel like Jacob Marley should have warned me: ‘You will be visited by three spirits tonight… and they won’t leave for nine months!’”
 
“People ask me if I know who the father is,” Price said, joking, “I don’t know. Patrick Swayze?  Doubtful. My girlfriends suspect my last boyfriend who totally ghosted me.”  But the expectant woman wants to make it clear that she was never truly pregnant and these are not the spirits of babies she was carrying. These are freeloaders, infant poltergeists that have jumped from tomb to womb and taken up lodging in her flesh-and-blood uterus. 
 
When asked why she believes these specters chose her innards to set up residence, the woman with the abdominal apparitions was circumspect.
 
“I don’t know. The Lord works in mysterious ways and ghosts are even more mysterious. I call them my Ghostly Trio and I’m their Ghost Host.”
 
“I have no idea who these little spookies might be. Moaning Myrtle? Boo Berry? The Holy Ghost? I mean, one of them could be the spirit of shoeless Joe Jackson, but when they said, ‘If you will build it, they will come,’ I didn’t think they were talking about my uterine lining.”
 
Dr. Mitchell has given Price invisible placebos to make sure her unborn wraithlings get all their nutrients in utero and has asked her to refrain from smoking or drinking alcohol during this most unusual pregnancy.
 
“No drinking for me,” she laughed. “I’ve got enough spirits inside me already!”
 
Mitchell is uncertain how long gestation will take as the spectral tots have no organs, bones, or muscles to develop, but he has high hopes that the delivery will be easy and when she’s ready to “give up the ghost,” the phantom fetuses can simply pass through her abdominal wall.
 
“We’ll see,” Dr. Mitchell said uncertainly. “Sometimes the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
 
“Instead of a doula or a midwife,” Price said, “Perhaps I should book myself an exorcist.”
 
Asked if she was nervous about giving birth to the little ghost riders, she shook her head no and quoted the late great Ray Parker Jr.
 
“I ain’t fraid a no ghost.”
 
“I just hope they aren’t born invisible,” she said upon further reflection. “Because if they are, the doctor’s going to have a hell of a time doing the circumcisions.”
 
Scientists asked to provide a possible scientific explanation for the occurrence said that they didn’t have time for this and didn’t want to be associated with something this stupid.