GUTSY GRANNY ATTEMPTS TO JUMP
WHEELCHAIR OVER 15 SENIORS…
AND MAKES IT OVER THREE OF THEM!
The crowds! The decorations! The stunt-loving octogenarian! All signs pointed to a day of celebration and wonder, but those signs should have read “Danger Ahead.”
Isabelle Morningstar, 82 years young, arranged for the more cavalier of the orderlies at the Shady Living Retirement Home in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, to set up a makeshift ramp in the parking lot for her to attempt an audacious stunt… jumping her wheelchair over fifteen seniors!
“Age is just a number,” Isabelle grinned a few minutes before the stunt. “And I want to show my grandkids that if you put your mind to it, there’s nothing you can’t do!”
“We’re not her grandchildren,” said one of the kids she hugged and kissed before rolling off to the starting area. “We don’t know who she is. We just came for the carnage.”
And carnage they would get, for as you already know from the title of this article, this elderly Evil Knievel fell well short of her goal. Experts (you know, wheelchair-jump-experts) stated that Isabelle would need to reach speeds of 20-to-25 miles per hour in order to successfully cross the 310 feet span. But according to the bicycle speedometer hastily attached to the left wheel of her chair, the adrenaline seeking granny hit a top speed of three miles per hour, clearing only three of the prone geezers and slamming painfully down onto the other twelve. With most of the participants already in poor health, the blunt force trauma quickly maimed or killed all twelve of the foolish volunteers.
“I’d like to dedicate this jump to the residents of the Shady Living Retirement Home who didn’t make it today and who have gone to be with God,” Isabelle said somberly only a few minutes after the horribly botched and completely unnecessary stunt. “Here’s to Laura, Betty, Clarabelle, Mildred, uh… Barbara? Who’s that there on the end? Her face is kind of mushed.”