"No! It's not 'HELL Satan,' it's 'HAIL Satan!'"
How many times do we have to go over this?!
All right, everybody back to one.
We're gonna do this until you get it right!"
How many times do we have to go over this?!
All right, everybody back to one.
We're gonna do this until you get it right!"
"And I would've gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids...
so I'm gonna kill you."
so I'm gonna kill you."
Don't worry, Ken. It gets better.
#LoveisLove #Pride #BornThisWay #Slay
#BeWhoYouAre #LoveIsNotACrime
#LoveisLove #Pride #BornThisWay #Slay
#BeWhoYouAre #LoveIsNotACrime
"You think I like it like this?? I'm dead, you fool!
Where the hell am I supposed to get a haircut?!?"
Where the hell am I supposed to get a haircut?!?"
As he eyeballed the volunteers,
Dr. Hugh Johnson couldn’t help thinking
what a difference it would make to add an extra “p” to “stripers.”
Dr. Hugh Johnson couldn’t help thinking
what a difference it would make to add an extra “p” to “stripers.”
It wasn’t the bulging eyes of the naked father figure that terrified me.
Nor was it the cherubic red cheeks of the blushing calf in his oshkosh overalls
and nothing else, smiling slyly at me.
No, it was the corn-fed country kindness of the mother, dressed in her Sunday best, happily offering to pour me a cup of the frothy fresh mother’s milk
forcefully pulled from her teets.
That’s what shook me to the core.
Plus, they’re all puppets, so that’s creepy in and of itself.
Nor was it the cherubic red cheeks of the blushing calf in his oshkosh overalls
and nothing else, smiling slyly at me.
No, it was the corn-fed country kindness of the mother, dressed in her Sunday best, happily offering to pour me a cup of the frothy fresh mother’s milk
forcefully pulled from her teets.
That’s what shook me to the core.
Plus, they’re all puppets, so that’s creepy in and of itself.
Okay, there are a lot of things I could say about “The Great Garloo.”
The fact that he’s wearing a leopard loin cloth and open-toed sandals.
The mohawk.
The audacity of wearing a giant pendant with your own name on it.
But let’s talk about the very intentional placement of his hands.
Is he showing us the size of the fish he caught?
I don’t think so.
The fact that he’s wearing a leopard loin cloth and open-toed sandals.
The mohawk.
The audacity of wearing a giant pendant with your own name on it.
But let’s talk about the very intentional placement of his hands.
Is he showing us the size of the fish he caught?
I don’t think so.
“Hey Charlie, the building owners want some hoity toity art piece installed
on the roof and I have no idea what to put. Can you help?”
“Sure, I’ll give you a hand.”
on the roof and I have no idea what to put. Can you help?”
“Sure, I’ll give you a hand.”
This is one weird Archie comic.
It LOOKS like it takes place in the Old West,
but it SOUNDS like it takes place in modern day Florida.
It LOOKS like it takes place in the Old West,
but it SOUNDS like it takes place in modern day Florida.
"No, no, hear me out. Picture a beautiful statue gracing the park,
a husband leaning over to comfort his wife in a loving embrace,
with no idea that all three of his kids are looking up his butt."
a husband leaning over to comfort his wife in a loving embrace,
with no idea that all three of his kids are looking up his butt."
"Okay class, why are you all lined up like that?
And why are you all just silently staring at me?
Okay, you’re creeping me out now.
Knock it off. It’s not even Halloween!"
And why are you all just silently staring at me?
Okay, you’re creeping me out now.
Knock it off. It’s not even Halloween!"
|
Santa: Well, little boy. Hop up on Santa’s lap and squirm around a little before you tell me what you’d like for Christmas.
Kid: I been real good this year and I wanna orangutan with human proportions in an orange jumpsuit. Santa: Uhhh, okay. Kid: Holding a gun… Santa: Are you sure that’s…? Kid: With a parachute. Santa: That’s very specific. I’m not sure I can… Kid: And it has to be in Spanish. Santa: Next! |
Enough is enough!
I’ve had it with these mother hubbard babies
on my mother hubbard back!
I’ve had it with these mother hubbard babies
on my mother hubbard back!
BATman? Looks more like BUTTman!
Get it? See what I did there? I replaced "Bat" with the similar sounding word "Butt" because in this child's toothbrush holder, the caped crusader is cupping the buttocks of his young ward Robin. Get it?
Get it? See what I did there? I replaced "Bat" with the similar sounding word "Butt" because in this child's toothbrush holder, the caped crusader is cupping the buttocks of his young ward Robin. Get it?
Thank God for the Junior Doctor Kit.
Now Uncle Jim can have his bypass surgery
in the comfort of his own home.
Now Uncle Jim can have his bypass surgery
in the comfort of his own home.
PICK YOUR FAVORITE CAPTION!
My make up job is going “swimmingly!”
And that is why finding the right moisturizer is so important.
Eight hours in the makeup chair and then Warner Brothers cancels my show.
I knew I shouldn’t have gone in that transporter pod with my succulent.
My make up job is going “swimmingly!”
And that is why finding the right moisturizer is so important.
Eight hours in the makeup chair and then Warner Brothers cancels my show.
I knew I shouldn’t have gone in that transporter pod with my succulent.
How did she give birth if she doesn’t have any lady parts below the waist?
And did someone superglue horns on a baby?
And if I caught her baby while fishing, is he so small that I’d have to throw him back?
And did someone superglue horns on a baby?
And if I caught her baby while fishing, is he so small that I’d have to throw him back?
This gives the risqué song "Santa Baby" a whole new meaning.
#ISawMommyKissingSantaBabyAndImCallingSocialServices
#ISawMommyKissingSantaBabyAndImCallingSocialServices
Poor Enrique. Even the dead laughed at his comically oversized moustache.
”Now boys, wouldn't it be easier if I put that bucket on my lap?"
For all the girls who dreamed of being Barbi Benton…
you can dream bigger.
you can dream bigger.
"Is that a beetle in your teeth or are you just happy to see me?"
(By mocking what other cultures find perfectly normal,
I’m really just showing my own ignorance, intolerance, and ethnocentrism!)
(By mocking what other cultures find perfectly normal,
I’m really just showing my own ignorance, intolerance, and ethnocentrism!)
”Mom! Have you seen my fissionable materials?
I think the baby got into my plutonium again!!!”
I think the baby got into my plutonium again!!!”
Dream Kitchen? I'm sorry, who dreams of working in the kitchen?
#HowManyOfThoseLittlePiecesGotSwallowed?
#HowManyOfThoseLittlePiecesGotSwallowed?
Town Dump!
Getting little Becky ready for years of getting dumped on.
Now hold on -- I'm not saying she's white trash.
That's a bunch of rubbish! She's just a litter girl! What a waste...
Getting little Becky ready for years of getting dumped on.
Now hold on -- I'm not saying she's white trash.
That's a bunch of rubbish! She's just a litter girl! What a waste...
Kitty Karry-All, the doll Cindy Brady had on the Brady Bunch,
had perhaps the greatest catch phrase in the history of advertising:
“She’s Got a Bunch of Pockets!”
had perhaps the greatest catch phrase in the history of advertising:
“She’s Got a Bunch of Pockets!”
DON'T OF TIGER
We saw this poster a few years back listing the "Don't of Tiger"
with rules on how to act around wild tigers in captivity.
I can think of one more rule that they left out.
DON'T GO INTO THE TIGER CAGE, DINGUS!
with rules on how to act around wild tigers in captivity.
I can think of one more rule that they left out.
DON'T GO INTO THE TIGER CAGE, DINGUS!
SUPER SPANKING FETISH!
I'm not sure if I should be more concerned
that Pa Kent is beating his son with a hairbrush
or with the seductive smile on Clark's face.
I'm not sure if I should be more concerned
that Pa Kent is beating his son with a hairbrush
or with the seductive smile on Clark's face.
BABY CRIB FOR SALE: EXTRA SECURE!
Preowned all steel baby crib / enclosure for sale. Good for feral child, multiple children, or large pets. Only one owner. Crib kept child contained from infancy to childhood, nearly 12 years with only ONE breakout and very limited casualties! Mattress not included; you wouldn't want it. $200 OBO. Local Pick Up Only. And if you hear vaguely human growling from the garage, DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!
Preowned all steel baby crib / enclosure for sale. Good for feral child, multiple children, or large pets. Only one owner. Crib kept child contained from infancy to childhood, nearly 12 years with only ONE breakout and very limited casualties! Mattress not included; you wouldn't want it. $200 OBO. Local Pick Up Only. And if you hear vaguely human growling from the garage, DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!
It’s every writer’s worst nightmare.
You finally get the most amazing idea for a book or script
only to find out someone has already done it.
You finally get the most amazing idea for a book or script
only to find out someone has already done it.
Okay, I’m not even going to comment on the whole “color of urine” thing,
but why is he so happy that people have been peeing on his wall?
but why is he so happy that people have been peeing on his wall?
"With a little imagination, school can be fun!
Right kids?
Say it.
Say 'school can be fun.'
SAY SCHOOL CAN BE FUN!!!!"
Right kids?
Say it.
Say 'school can be fun.'
SAY SCHOOL CAN BE FUN!!!!"
They're here to kill me, aren't they?
Some say that the key to comedy is timing, but some comedy is timeless!
"Walt, I’m at the park and we have a big rat problem..."
Stool Eating Deterrent!
Finally! After all this time, someone has come up with a cure for…
oh, wait. It’s just for dogs.
Finally! After all this time, someone has come up with a cure for…
oh, wait. It’s just for dogs.
I was thinking of writing my autobiography,
but the title I wanted was already taken.
but the title I wanted was already taken.
It doesn’t matter how cute she is,
there won’t be a second date if she burns your wiener.
there won’t be a second date if she burns your wiener.
Scared of AI becoming truly sentient?
Worried about killer robots rising up against humanity?
Not gonna happen.
Man has already built the thing that will destroy us all: GIANT PUPPETS!
Worried about killer robots rising up against humanity?
Not gonna happen.
Man has already built the thing that will destroy us all: GIANT PUPPETS!
Need a last minute stocking stuffer?
Give them a classic gift they'll always remember.
B A B Y I N A B L E N D E R !
Give them a classic gift they'll always remember.
B A B Y I N A B L E N D E R !
I can save 99% of you some time. The answer is no.
I’m so glad they specified “or solids”
because I almost committed a very serious faux pas.
because I almost committed a very serious faux pas.
And yet they can beat you...
Only 27 shopping days until Christmas
and nothing says "I love you, Mom"
like a brass, goat-headed devil man!
and nothing says "I love you, Mom"
like a brass, goat-headed devil man!
Uhhh... couldn't you put this warning just about everywhere?
Remember the innocence of the past...
before everything went to hell.
before everything went to hell.
Okay, fine, girl-on-girl rooftop boxing; that’s great.
But when do we get to the juggling pins?!?
But when do we get to the juggling pins?!?
Uhhh... define "active"
Because a week-and-a-half-ago, I had the runs, but it didn't really do anything;
it just sat there. So am I good to go?
Because a week-and-a-half-ago, I had the runs, but it didn't really do anything;
it just sat there. So am I good to go?
The scariest predator Hollywood ever produced.
(Okay, technically I didn't FIND this picture, but if I'd looked hard enough I probably could have.)
(Okay, technically I didn't FIND this picture, but if I'd looked hard enough I probably could have.)
ATTACK OF THE POTATO PEOPLE!
You called them Couch Potatoes.
You called them Small Potatoes.
You called them Spuds McKenzie.
Now they’re steamed, and baked, and au gratin,
and they’re about to drop you like a hot potato.
This Fall, the Tater Tots are all grown up… and ready to MASH!
You called them Couch Potatoes.
You called them Small Potatoes.
You called them Spuds McKenzie.
Now they’re steamed, and baked, and au gratin,
and they’re about to drop you like a hot potato.
This Fall, the Tater Tots are all grown up… and ready to MASH!
My kids wore masks years before covid.
In the 50’s, Halloween merriment was enjoyed by all ages,
even those well into their twenties.
#WhyDoYoungPeopleFromTheFiftiesAlwaysLookLikeTheyAreInTheirSixties?
even those well into their twenties.
#WhyDoYoungPeopleFromTheFiftiesAlwaysLookLikeTheyAreInTheirSixties?
A photographer visiting rural Kansas disappeared on October 31st, 1954.
His brutalized body was discovered in an abandoned farmhouse six weeks later.
The police found his broken camera nearby, developed the film inside it,
and discovered that this was the last image he ever photographed.
Investigators began to call the subject of the photograph “The Pigtailed Killer.”
And now, thanks to the creative minds behind Leg Avenue and Spirit Halloween, you can purchase your very own
“Sexy Pigtailed Killer” costume, guaranteed to frighten and arouse everyone at your next Halloween party!
His brutalized body was discovered in an abandoned farmhouse six weeks later.
The police found his broken camera nearby, developed the film inside it,
and discovered that this was the last image he ever photographed.
Investigators began to call the subject of the photograph “The Pigtailed Killer.”
And now, thanks to the creative minds behind Leg Avenue and Spirit Halloween, you can purchase your very own
“Sexy Pigtailed Killer” costume, guaranteed to frighten and arouse everyone at your next Halloween party!
Halloween, oh Halloween!
We'll sing it 'til we burst a spleen!
'Cause teacher filled each boy's canteen
With way way way too much caffeine!
We'll sing it 'til we burst a spleen!
'Cause teacher filled each boy's canteen
With way way way too much caffeine!
Another forty-foot-tall statue of a guy
ripping an upside-down man in half at the crotch?
Not again.
I mean, sure, people will love it,
but does it really say, “Welcome to the Children’s Zoo?”
ripping an upside-down man in half at the crotch?
Not again.
I mean, sure, people will love it,
but does it really say, “Welcome to the Children’s Zoo?”
A festive clown has a magical influence over children of all ages.
This one is using his power to make them look at his crotch.
This one is using his power to make them look at his crotch.
Best Pick Up Line Ever:
“No, I swear, if you come out alone into a dark field with me
in the middle of the night, I’ll show you my Great Pumpkin!”
No, no, no.
It’s very simple.
I want two xylophone players in festive headdresses,
but they are pigs
and they’re also marionettes.
Just one of my favorite landmarks honoring losing your lunch.
Okay, maybe the Sharper Image catalog isn’t the worst one I’ve ever seen.
Ten Stupid Captions for this Picture
“Mind if I drop in?”
“Hey, I can see my house from up here!”
“So this is why they call it Enema’s Revenge…”
“I think I made a wrong turn at Albuquerque.”
“On second thought, I’ll take the stairs.”
“It was a fun summer, but it’s going to be a long fall.”
“To get to the other side!”
“Is there a movie on this flight?”
“Slide? I thought you said slice!”
“I’m dropping faster than the stock market. Thanks, Obama.”
“Mind if I drop in?”
“Hey, I can see my house from up here!”
“So this is why they call it Enema’s Revenge…”
“I think I made a wrong turn at Albuquerque.”
“On second thought, I’ll take the stairs.”
“It was a fun summer, but it’s going to be a long fall.”
“To get to the other side!”
“Is there a movie on this flight?”
“Slide? I thought you said slice!”
“I’m dropping faster than the stock market. Thanks, Obama.”
Sounds like every date I had in college...
Is that Chicago style?
Okay, seriously? “Curly Clown” here is literally luring the kids over with ice cream and a puppy. He has a printed picture of the two kids in his pocket indicating premeditation. He is playing footsie with the boy, prodding him in the area that his bathing suit covers. When he asks them to dive down to his “Island of the Blue Dolphins,” it’s time to put these kids’ faces on the side of a milk carton. Instead of “Stories, Riddles, Puzzles, Jokes” it should read “Stories, Riddles, Puzzles, Horrifying Child Dismemberment.”
On the other hand, it’s only thirty-five cents, so… not too bad.
On the other hand, it’s only thirty-five cents, so… not too bad.
Her keen ability to subtly blend into any crowd stopped evolving about 1978.
Reminds me of our honeymoon!
(We saw a lot of frogs on our honeymoon.)
(We saw a lot of frogs on our honeymoon.)
Is getting girls to talk more really something we want to promote? Kidding!!!
People who leave their Christmas decorations up past January are so tacky.
Yes, who'd suspect the police of doing wrong?
And while you're at it, ask that priest over there to babysit these strapping young men.
And while you're at it, ask that priest over there to babysit these strapping young men.
At least one of them can sleep.
Demon triplets, am I right?
The Bert and Ernie question is finally put to bed.
It's been too long since I had a classic turnip and egg omelette.
Any comment I add will just make it worse.
And you thought spiders crawling in your ears was bad.
"This is 'Merica! Not Commie France. You cain't tell me what I kin do!"
Trust me. You do not want to see Daddies least favourite brown sauce.
Warning! Do not use opening as a glory hole or you may get Krusty Krabs.
No thank you. I prefer the classic goodness that comes from an old dong.