MAKE SWISS CHEESE OF YOUR FEET
Be careful where you walk, because each step might be your last! That’s the warning of Norwegian bio-agricultural scientists who claim that America has become infested with a vicious variety of flesh-eating worms…. Worms that could be in your backyard right now!
“I cannot overemphasize how dangerous these carnivorous nightcrawlers are,” warned Sven Tinderlen, one of the highly-respected researchers who has been investigating the widespread claims of attacks.
“These invertebrates have insatiable appetites and will stop at nothing to feed on human flesh.”
Initial reports of footless farmers and gardeners were believed to be hoaxes, but as the attacks multiplied, authorities became concerned.
“We got people disfigured for life. Maimed. In wheelchairs,” said Robert Lugosi, a policeman from Omaha, Nebraska. “And those are the lucky ones. Others have bled to death before reaching help. And worse.”
Authorities in Branson, Missouri suspect that the skeletons of a picnicking couple can be attributed to an attack by a large group of the boneless beasts. Forensic experts have concluded that once their feet were shredded, the victims fell to the ground, only to have the rest of their bodies consumed by the relentless wrigglers.
“The problem is that you can’t hear them coming,” said Tinderlin. “And their skin emits a mild toxin that numbs the sole of your foot as they burrow into your body. So you don’t feel their gnawing gizzards devouring your muscles and tendons… at first. But when the toxin wears off…”
“It musta hurt something awful,” lamented Oregon-based fisherman Brad Zabin. “My pal Jackson, he didn’t listen to me. Passed up the pricey Dakota Blue Worms and Alabama Jumpers to dig up his own nightcrawlers. I heard the screams. I can still hear them.”
Federal authorities are warning all citizens to stay off of unpaved roads, parks, farmlands, and any area where worms may congregate.
“Them government types want us to keep away so we can’t see that they’re the ones that created these freaks,” Zabin commented. “What with their nuclear this and chemical that. They did it before with them Killer Bees, and I guess they never learned their lesson. Let’s see them eggheads worm their way outta this one.”
A White House official who spoke on condition of anonymity said a plan is underway to flood the American plains, forcing the air-breathing annelids up out of their protective holes. But Project Early Bird, as it has come to be known, would come at an exorbitant cost, both in taxes and in human lives.
“Ah, I reckon we had it coming,” Zabin mused. “We been using them as bait for years, but we’re the ones that got caught.”
By Scott D. Peterson as originally printed in the Weekly World News.