IT'S NOT MY FAULT.  IT'S THE MATRIX!

​All my life people have told me I’m a huge loser and a screw up and the very, very worst human being you’re ever going to meet. And then these same people use the things I say and do against me to show how crooked and awful I am. And that is seriously not good. 
 
But look, a lot of people are saying that none of this is my fault! Why? Because I’m actually, and this is the thing, I’m actually in the Matrix!
 
Now I know lame, lame people make excuses, it’s all excuses with these people, so many excuses, the likes of which you’ve never seen. And they think that with their excuses, you can’t, nobody can blame them. That’s their thinking. I’ve seen it. I’ve seen it and I’ve heard it. They say, “Oh, it’s not my fault that I stole eight million dollars in toner from the office; I have a mental disorder.”  Or “Hey, you can’t blame me for that hit and run with the nuns; I was drunk.” Or some loser will say, “Nope. That wasn’t me that burned down the orphanage; it was my evil twin.” And they just lie, believe me, they lie enormously, saying, “Oh, I didn’t mean it when I said all those things about women and minorities and people who believe in some God other than the real Christian one because I was possessed by Satan.” Sad.
 
Believe me folks, I’ve heard all the excuses, all the excuses before, but this time, and I’ll say it very strongly… it’s not an excuse. I know it LOOKS like I incited a riot to overturn the 2020 elections after all my other illegal attempts to hold onto power failed majorly, but all that is part of a vast virtual reality that we all think we see, but it isn’t real. It’s the Matrix! You’ll see. Just wait.
 
How do I know? I know. Because the other day, I saw this very very hot girl walk through the West Wing, and two seconds later, I saw my daughter Ivanka walk by the exact same way. Now many people are saying that was a glitch in the matrix! Don’t you see? It’s all rigged. Everything. Fake news! Fraudulent elections! Baseless witch hunts! It’s all made up! It’s all made up!
 
So now I’ve just got to find the Morpheus and take whatever drugs he offers me. I mean, I’m the least drug-taker you’ve ever met, but hey, if I have to, and people say it is, then that’s the only way. And until then, frankly and I’ll be honest with you, I’m going to run for president again in the hope that I can stay out of jail until I track down Samuel Jackson. 
 
So wish me big big luck.  And remember, even if I shoot someone on Pennsylvania Avenue, it won’t be my fault!