CRAPPY LITTLE FREE LIBRARY IS NO AMAZON,
​THAT’S FOR SURE!

I’m sure you’ve seen them sitting on people’s lawns designed to look like miniature houses, but instead of miniature people that every normal human would be hoping to see inside, you’ll find books. 
 
But what you won’t find, is a book that you actually want.
 
Every day for an entire month, I made the trek down the block to “Old Lady Mabel’s Library Hut of Giving” or something like that, perched like an oversized bird house on her front lawn. And every day, I searched for: “A Field Guide to Medieval Gardens: Phallic Topiaries in the Age of Chivalry.” And can anyone guess how many times I found the book I was looking for? Out of 31 days, the answer is zero!
 
“Oh come now,” you say, clucking your lesion-covered tongue at me with scorn. “No library in the world has every single solitary book ever written. You are being unreasonable and violently incontinent.”  But am I?
 
For when I go to the online retailer called Amazon (www.amazon.com for those of you unfamiliar with this little mom and pop site), I simply type in what I’m looking for and within moments the exact Dark Ages horticulture tome I desired is on the way. 
 
Now why on earth would I walk all the way down the block and search through dozens of slightly moist teen vampire romance novels and cat fancy magazines books to find that the book I want isn’t even there, when I can safely go online from the comfort of my own cramped studio apartment to find the book that I want IS there?
 
Of course, you’ll argue “Little Free Libraries” are a resource to the community, offering up gently used books to people who need them instead of relegating them to a dark, dusty cupboard for all eternity.  And to you argumentative inbred people I say, “Just how free are these free libraries?” The one on my block has a very clear sign indicating the cost of these unwanted volumes of subpar non-Arthurian landscaping literature: Take a book, LEAVE a book!
 
These books aren’t free at all!
 
Now let me ask you this!  How many people walk around with a book under their arm? Or even more specifically, how many people bother to walk around with a book that they NO LONGER WANT under their arm? If you don’t want the book, why would you carry it around all day? If you liked the book enough to carry around, why would you give it away?
 
I’m infuriated!  I'm literally sitting in my cold, boxy apartment reading my Amazon book about penis-shaped bushes of the Round Table era, and I'm shaking with rage!
 
These abominations of the publishing world are popping up like weeds and meth heads, destroying the very fabric of society and condemning struggling folks like Amazon to a slow painful death. Something should be done.
 
Now let me make this very clear for the less-intelligent, easily-swayed masses: I am NOT advocating that all patriotic Americans take to the streets and chop down these hellish hidey holes. Nor am I suggesting we take these mini-structures of deception, and the full-sized houses they adorn, and set them ablaze in a fiery inferno. And I certainly don’t want you to massacre the satan-worshipping, sex-ring-running, book bigots that erected these evil eyesores. 
 
But I can’t control what other people do, so…