Hospitals with Anesthesia Shortage
Keep Cosby on Standby to Roofie Female Patients
As the nation’s hospitals and surgery centers cope with a worldwide anesthesia shortage, the Los Angeles County & USC Medical Center, also known as County USC, has taken the bold move of keeping former television celebrity and stand up comedian Bill Cosby on call to incapacitate female patients when there is no other option.
“Certainly, it’s not optimal,” said one of the facility’s top brain surgeons, “but in these troubled times, you make do with what you have on hand, and we happen to have Mr. Cosby on hand.”
A new clause has been added to the hospital’s standard admission papers notifying female surgery patients of the possibility that the star of I Spy and Fat Albert might slip something into their drink to help them slip into unconsciousness.
“It’s all above board,” said a spokesman for County USC’s executive leadership. “We don’t let Mr. Cosby near patients once they are unconscious. I mean, I know he played Doctor Huxtable on TV, but that doesn’t give him the right to play hanky panky with our paients.”
When asked for comment, the formerly incarcerated Cosby was heard to say, “I love Jell-O Pudding.”