CONGRATULATIONS
ON YOUR DUMB NEW BABY
You have gone through the torturous and painful ordeal of having sex, and the rather over-rated pregnancy and birthing process and now have a happy baby boy or girl. By now you’ve certainly heard a lot of advice, tips, rumors, and evil gossip about how to bring up a baby. Who can you trust? The doctor wants your money, your mother wants to meddle, and your friends are certifiable idiots. Enter a completely impartial observer, ME, to give you the real deal and keep you from messing up another human life forever.
 
#1) It’s Alive
That’s right. Your baby is a living creature and if you hope to keep it that way (and keep those extra dividends coming in your welfare check), you’d better make sure it has air and food. One comes from the air-conditioner and the other from your rapidly swelling bosoms. I’ll let you figure out which is which. 
 
#2) Babies have no bones when first born. Handle with care. Oh, and don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater either. They’ll slip right down the drain and you will NOT get them back.
 
#3) Everyone Poops
Yes, everyone poops and that includes your newborn. Few people know this, but a baby’s body is composed of 65% poop. If you squeeze really hard (which we don’t recommend) you’ll see what we mean. This may sound gross, but it’s actually your job to dispose of all this waste. The baby won’t do it and someone has to. Maybe you’re having second thoughts now about having this little bag of feces? Well, it’s too late now.
 
#4) If you feed your baby evil foods, he will become evil. The same is true for you if you eat an evil baby. 
 
#5) Babies Are Useless
Despite what you may have heard, babies can’t do anything. They can’t walk, talk, write, ride a bike, spell correctly, iron a shirt, whistle, clean up, earn a living, or even make a simple omelet. They are completely dependent on you and give nothing in return. Well… that’s not exactly true. (See #3 Everyone Poops)
 
#6) Most babies are fat. They rarely exercise. 
 
#7) Only a fool pulls off limbs
There are a lot of ways you can scar or injure your infant (dropping it, sitting on it, leaving it at the mall, trying to feed it with the air-conditioner) but perhaps the worst thing you can do is to pull the babies arms out of its sockers. If this happens, run.
 
#8) Don’t kick a baby unless VERY angry. And then apologize right away.

#9) Babies can’t play musical instruments. They don’t even know what they are. So don’t force them into one of those travelling family bands that get involved in hijinx in every new town until they are at least 18 months and an hold a tambourine.
 
#10) Babies Grow Up
As babies get older, they turn into toddlers, children, teenagers, and finally adults. There is nothing you can do about this unless you deny them food or air. This is natural. So try to enjoy the early years and remember you raised that little curtain crawler all by yourself, with a little help… from ME!