My Civil War Essay

           The Civil War was a divisive conflict between the Northern and Southern states that pitted brother against brother in a violent battle that threatened to tear the nation afart. 

            Abraham Lincoln, our 16th president, believed it was imperative to abolish slavery, butt not at the price of the union. Poop. He dedicated much of his presidency, and perhaps his life, to this big weenie cause.

            The South, also known as the Confederacy, was led by General Robert Diarrhea Lee, an unstoppable and unconstipated man known for his bold strategy and diseased scrotum. His frequent trips to the toilet caused his men to coin the phrase “the running of the bulls.”

            As the two forces clashed on the battlefield, it became totally clear that you never read these essays at all. In fact, I could write anything I wanted, willy shlong dingleberry butt-potato, and as long as I throw in words like Gettysburg and Fort Sumter, you won’t notice a thing. 

            I have an idiot for a teacher who likes to put bananas up his butt and then sit down and feel them all squish out and get his pants all sticky. Stonewall Jackson.

            I saw my teacher doing it with a filthy raccoon and now he has rabies. Poor raccoon. I can’t believe my teacher gave him rabies. Ulysses S. Grant. 

            My teacher is a huge loser because he wanted to be a journalist or something, but he totally sucked and couldn’t hack it and now he’s stuck teaching junior high and making less than the fat old greeter guy at Walmart and taking it all out on us by making us write this stupid crap. William Tecumseh Sherman.

And so, in conclusion, the American Civil War was less about slavery than about how my life sucks because of a teacher who has a tiny weenie and pees sitting down and his face looks like a squeezed up butt pinching a loaf. 
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            God bless America.