All I want for Christmas is you. And a few other things…
 
WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR 

 

1. Peace on Earth
2. Good will toward men
3. A 75” flat screen TV with surround sound
4. An end to hunger
5. A 1% share of Amazon
6. Transcripts of every episode of The Floor is Lava
7. A clear vision of my destiny
8. A purpose in life
9. Huge steaming piles of runny potatoes
10. Gumption
11. A look into Merrick Garland’s brain.
12. All the cool stuff I can see in storm drains but can’t quite reach.
13. A water pistol that squirts… jelly
14. A working democracy
15. A vault of previously undiscovered films by acclaimed character actor Don Knotts.
16. Freedom of expression
17. Freedom of choice
18. A furry toilet seat cover
19. An end to global warming
20. An end to inflation
21. An end to the script I’m working on because the third act stinks
22. Bigger fake eyelashes, like a dozen daddy long-legs stapled to my eyelids.
23. Taylor Swift’s pocket change so I can buy a house.
24. A frog in a blender. (What can I say? I’m a romantic.)
25. Infinite shelving for all the books I buy that I will never get around to reading. 
26. The brain of a philosopher
27. The heart of a social worker
28. The body of a dancer… maybe Shakira?
29. Something other than saliva to ooze naturally from my mouth.
30. A nice simple dress, nothing too fancy or sexy, just something that compliments my figure for a change.
31. Elf 2: Electric Boogaloo
32. The resurrection of Norm MacDonald. 
33. Enough cash to make a low budget horror movie where the character comedy compensates for the gratuitous gore. 
34. A beard. Not on me, just like, on a plate or something.
35. The end of Twitter—oh wait, I’ve already got that one. Thanks, Elon!
36. A time machine so I can go back and meet Shaun Cassidy when I was still hot. 
37. A really expensive NFT.  Those are still a thing, right?
38. A Merry Christmas
39. And a Happy New Year
40. And a rousing chorus of “Silent Night” as sung to the tune of Lizzo’s “About Damn Time”