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  • Links
  • About
  • Video
  • Audio
  • Found
  • Comics
  • Words
    • Scott Poem
    • God Looks Through Ozone Hole
    • Infant's Finger Painting
    • Lady Satan Rehashed
    • Poltergeist Proof
    • Innocent Goat Man
    • Bowl of Mush
    • 200 Celebration
    • Earthworms
    • Why My Willy is Like Icons of the 70's
    • AI Writes Transformative Hotdog Song
    • Ghost of Widow's Husband
    • Babies Are Useless
    • Monk Urine Is Cleaner
    • George Santos Lies
    • BTS: What Does it Mean
    • Zookeeper Cuts Off Arm
    • HYDROMAN REHASHED
    • I Watch the Super Bowl
    • Tales of Terror - Hold My Hand
    • Oh How He Sat
    • The Change
    • You Got the Lyrics Wrong, Dilweed
    • Woman Chokes on Fortune Cookie
    • The Moon Must Be Stopped
    • Quora Questions
    • My Husband's Inappropriate Remarks
    • Family is a Cult
    • The Price of Success
    • Tales of Terror: The Baby
    • Spot the Differences Army of Darkness
    • I'm All Over It
    • Automatic Thank You Letter
    • Clueless Man
    • What's Buggin You?
    • Child's Playmate is Son of Satan
    • Ask An Expert
    • True Tales of Terror: High Beams
    • Slander Zendaya Buries Puppies Alive
    • Henry Cavill Fired as Superman: Races to Horse to be Paralyzed
    • Crappy Little Free Library Is No Amazon
    • Christmas Wish List
    • Extremist Americans Furious With Extremist Germans
    • Batman vs Hulk
    • Elon Musk Fires Himself
    • Congrats on Your Dumb Baby
    • What I'm Thankful For
    • Donald Trump Blames Matrix
    • Terror Within
    • What Scares You
    • Halloween Candy
    • Adult Happy Meal
    • Horror Movie Life Lessons
    • Dudley Dursley
    • Yellow Ribbon
    • Empty Nesters
    • Haunted Womb
    • Wolfman of Steel
    • Tales of Terror: Hook
    • After All
    • Elf on a Shelf Spin Offs
    • Pie
    • Baby Poetry
    • Florence of Arabia
    • Alec Baldwin Ten Percent
    • Wife TV Shows Bachelor
    • Breakfast Theresa
    • Sexy Demogorgon
    • Where Is My Toe
    • Pinocchio Protest
    • Vegas Disasters
    • Cosby Helps with Anesthesia Shortage
    • Taco Bell Toilet Suicide
    • Ukrainian Mad about Plants
    • Horror For Kids
    • Slander: Britney Spears
    • Elevator Operator
    • Chickens
    • Risk He Had To Take
    • Best Horror
    • Slander: Harry Styles
    • Beautiful Pony
    • Top Ten Wife TV
    • Civil War Essay
    • Aquatica Boy
    • Slander: Tom Holland
    • Abraham Lincoln
    • BatBoy
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YOUR CART

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All I want for Christmas is you. And a few other things…
 
WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR 

 
  1. Peace on Earth
  2. Good will toward men
  3. A 75” flat screen TV with surround sound
  4. An end to hunger
  5. A 1% share of Amazon
  6. Transcripts of every episode of The Floor is Lava
  7. A clear vision of my destiny
  8. A purpose in life
  9. Huge steaming piles of runny potatoes
  10. Gumption
  11. A look into Merrick Garland’s brain.
  12. All the cool stuff I can see in storm drains but can’t quite reach.
  13. A water pistol that squirts… jelly
  14. A working democracy
  15. A vault of previously undiscovered films by acclaimed character actor Don Knotts.
  16. Freedom of expression
  17. Freedom of choice
  18. A furry toilet seat cover
  19. An end to global warming
  20. An end to inflation
  21. An end to the script I’m working on because the third act stinks
  22. Bigger fake eyelashes, like a dozen daddy long-legs stapled to my eyelids.
  23. Taylor Swift’s pocket change so I can buy a house.
  24. A frog in a blender. (What can I say? I’m a romantic.)
  25. Infinite shelving for all the books I buy that I will never get around to reading. 
  26. The brain of a philosopher
  27. The heart of a social worker
  28. The body of a dancer… maybe Shakira?
  29. Something other than saliva to ooze naturally from my mouth.
  30. A nice simple dress, nothing too fancy or sexy, just something that compliments my figure for a change.
  31. Elf 2: Electric Boogaloo
  32. The resurrection of Norm MacDonald. 
  33. Enough cash to make a low budget horror movie where the character comedy compensates for the gratuitous gore. 
  34. A beard. Not on me, just like, on a plate or something.
  35. The end of Twitter—oh wait, I’ve already got that one. Thanks, Elon!
  36. A time machine so I can go back and meet Shaun Cassidy when I was still hot. 
  37. A really expensive NFT.  Those are still a thing, right?
  38. A Merry Christmas
  39. And a Happy New Year
  40. And a rousing chorus of “Silent Night” as sung to the tune of Lizzo’s “About Damn Time”
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