TEN SUREFIRE WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR
CHILD'S PLAYMATE IS THE SON OF SATAN
Does your child have a playdate with evil incarnate? It's possible, according to "Apocalypse Now!" a biblical think tank located just outside Omaha, Nebraska.
"Just as God sent his son to earth, so will Mephistopheles, the Author of Evil," says nationally renowned theologian Dr. Josh Jaggars. "And this infant of infinite evil may be pushing your child down the slide to Hell right now!"
Dr. Jaggars offers these ten tips to help concerned parents accurately identify the pampers-wearing prince of darkness:
1) He babbles.
Sure, all children use nonsense words from time to time, but if he starts talking in tongues, spouting ancient Babylonian dialects as his eyes roll back in his head, get your little ones away from this Satanic small fry ASAP.
2) He carefully arranges his blocks.
Chances are that's not a star-pattern he's made, it's a pentagram! This is a dead give-away. Short of pulling out a pitchfork, he won't give you a clearer sign that he's Baby Beelzebub.
3) He uses telltale phrases.
You know it's time to go if the diminutive demon says things like "Hell's Bells," "Hotter than Hades," and "I am Xenothalamus, guardian of the eternal citadel of hellfire!"
4) He loves to make deals.
Sure, all kids love to trade lunches, but if he's trading peanut-butter-and-jelly for your daughter's soul, get out of there fast!
5) He throws tantrums.
And when he gets fired up, his head spins. Don't let the projectile vomiting hit you on your way out the door!
6) He goes by a peculiar name.
Kids named Damien, Satana, or D. Evil should be avoided at all costs.
7) His finger paintings look like hell.
This isn't a comment on his artistic abilities. His artwork literally depicts the fiery underworld of Hades, with your son or daughter as a permanent guest. This is a bad sign.
8) He wears a band-aid.
Yes, a lot of youngsters sport these protective adhesive strips for boo-boos, but it also may be covering the telltale insignia of the devil, a bright red "666!" Better to be safe than sorry.
9) He wears clothes.
You can't be too careful when looking for suspected spawns of Satan. Those cute Osh-Gosh overalls may be concealing his long, forked tail, with cloven hooves under those Payless shoes of his. Don't trust him.
10) He smells bad.
Think you detect a particularly pungent diaper? That stench may be covering the smell of sulfur and brimstone emanating from his diabolical pores.
"Satan Jr. won't look evil to your child," says Jaggars, "He'll seem like any other child and they'll be tempted to play with him. Literally."
That's why it's up to you as a parent or caregiver to be vigilant in tracking down the demonic descendant if he's infiltrated your child's day-care, school classroom, or play group. For your safety, ask any prospective playmate to swear on a bible. Or see if the adolescent anti-Christ begins dancing and clapping along when you start singing "The Devil Went Down to Georgia."
"A few innocent children may be accused in the process," Jaggars said, "and will undoubtedly face emotionally-scarring persecution at the hands of vengeful parents. But isn't that a paltry price to pay to keep your kids from playing house with the Hellspawn?"
(Originally written by Scott Peterson for the Weekly World News in 2002)