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    • Ask An Expert
    • True Tales of Terror: High Beams
    • Slander Zendaya Buries Puppies Alive
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    • Crappy Little Free Library Is No Amazon
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    • Elon Musk Fires Himself
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    • What I'm Thankful For
    • Donald Trump Blames Matrix
    • Terror Within
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    • Taco Bell Toilet Suicide
    • Ukrainian Mad about Plants
    • Horror For Kids
    • Slander: Britney Spears
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    • Slander: Harry Styles
    • Beautiful Pony
    • Top Ten Wife TV
    • Civil War Essay
    • Aquatica Boy
    • Slander: Tom Holland
    • Abraham Lincoln
    • BatBoy
  • Links
  • About
  • Video
  • Audio
  • Found
  • Comics
  • Words
    • Space Alien
    • Mirror Mirror
    • Why My Willy Tourist Traps
    • Why My Willy Office Supplies
    • Why My Willy Halloween
    • Unknown Actress Slept Her Way to Bottom
    • Moving Out
    • Sex with Lincoln
    • Are You Ready for Hell?
    • Smell of Success
    • Misheard Lyrics Volume 2
    • Deep Space Partridge Family
    • 300
    • Trump vs Significant Other
    • Movie Monster
    • Boy Pulled From Well
    • Bride and Seek
    • Boneless Baby
    • Harry Houdini
    • Conch Shell
    • Nun Possessed by Streetwalker
    • Keanu Reeves Sleeping Narcolepsy
    • Demons in Wallpaper
    • Make a Wish Boy Hates Disneyland
    • Man Evolved From Ferrets
    • Famous Women in Pictures
    • Tucker Carlson Fired
    • Good Dead
    • Surgeon Grafts Hands
    • Jefferson Advises President
    • Twinfidelity
    • Wacky Laws
    • Sexual Psychic
    • Surgeon Grafts Hands
    • Gutsy Granny Jump
    • Twinfidelity
    • Wacky Laws
    • Bigfoot Baby
    • Drake is not a Duck
    • Einstein Ghandi or Hitler
    • What Would You Prefer
    • The Confession
    • Scott Poem
    • God Looks Through Ozone Hole
    • Infant's Finger Painting
    • Lady Satan Rehashed
    • Poltergeist Proof
    • Innocent Goat Man
    • Bowl of Mush
    • 200 Celebration
    • Earthworms
    • Why My Willy is Like Icons of the 70's
    • AI Writes Transformative Hotdog Song
    • Ghost of Widow's Husband
    • Babies Are Useless
    • Monk Urine Is Cleaner
    • George Santos Lies
    • BTS: What Does it Mean
    • Zookeeper Cuts Off Arm
    • HYDROMAN REHASHED
    • I Watch the Super Bowl
    • Tales of Terror - Hold My Hand
    • Oh How He Sat
    • The Change
    • You Got the Lyrics Wrong, Dilweed
    • Woman Chokes on Fortune Cookie
    • The Moon Must Be Stopped
    • Quora Questions
    • My Husband's Inappropriate Remarks
    • Family is a Cult
    • The Price of Success
    • Tales of Terror: The Baby
    • Spot the Differences Army of Darkness
    • I'm All Over It
    • Automatic Thank You Letter
    • Clueless Man
    • What's Buggin You?
    • Child's Playmate is Son of Satan
    • Ask An Expert
    • True Tales of Terror: High Beams
    • Slander Zendaya Buries Puppies Alive
    • Henry Cavill Fired as Superman: Races to Horse to be Paralyzed
    • Crappy Little Free Library Is No Amazon
    • Christmas Wish List
    • Extremist Americans Furious With Extremist Germans
    • Batman vs Hulk
    • Elon Musk Fires Himself
    • Congrats on Your Dumb Baby
    • What I'm Thankful For
    • Donald Trump Blames Matrix
    • Terror Within
    • What Scares You
    • Halloween Candy
    • Adult Happy Meal
    • Horror Movie Life Lessons
    • Dudley Dursley
    • Yellow Ribbon
    • Empty Nesters
    • Haunted Womb
    • Wolfman of Steel
    • Tales of Terror: Hook
    • After All
    • Elf on a Shelf Spin Offs
    • Pie
    • Baby Poetry
    • Florence of Arabia
    • Alec Baldwin Ten Percent
    • Wife TV Shows Bachelor
    • Breakfast Theresa
    • Sexy Demogorgon
    • Where Is My Toe
    • Pinocchio Protest
    • Vegas Disasters
    • Cosby Helps with Anesthesia Shortage
    • Taco Bell Toilet Suicide
    • Ukrainian Mad about Plants
    • Horror For Kids
    • Slander: Britney Spears
    • Elevator Operator
    • Chickens
    • Risk He Had To Take
    • Best Horror
    • Slander: Harry Styles
    • Beautiful Pony
    • Top Ten Wife TV
    • Civil War Essay
    • Aquatica Boy
    • Slander: Tom Holland
    • Abraham Lincoln
    • BatBoy
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YOUR CART

a bowl of cereal and mother theresa

​A DOZEN THINGS YOU CAN SAY TO YOUR BREAKFAST CEREAL
THAT YOU CAN’T SAY TO MOTHER THERESA

You're cold and soggy and you clog up my sink.

If someone slapped an athlete on you, it would catch people’s eyes and they might even grab you for themselves.

Your box is so colorful. And it has its own anthropomorphized mascot!

I like that you have a hole in the middle but would it kill you to put on a little frosting?

Most of the others come in a box, so why do you come in a bag?

You’re dry and flavorless and adding raisins doesn’t help.

I know you’re enlarged to show texture, but damn girl. Family Size much?

Can I see your fruity pebbles?

I’m so glad you come in several flavors.

Can I play the game on your back with my little brother?

If I’m not careful, you sometimes cut up the roof of my mouth. 

I want you inside me. 
 

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