BOY PULLED FROM WELL EATS HIS RESCUERS!
The elation of emergency personnel over the rescue of stranded toddler Jamie Jerkins from the bottom of a fifty foot well quickly turned to terror as the savage boy leapt at his rescuers and began to devour them alive.
“Teeth and blood. Blood and teeth. That’s all anyone could see,” said paramedic and part-time professional juggler Stu “the Blitz” McManey. “It was like something out of one of those Saw movies if those Saw movies had a kid in a well that ate everybody.”
“I’m so sorry. This one is on me. Mea culpa,” said Jeannie Jenkins, the boy’s zoftig mother. “After eight days at the bottom of a filthy well, I should’ve known that little whippersnapper would be hungry. Normally he has a snack of crackers and apple slices about this time each day, but it’s been over a week since I thought to give him so much as a corn nut!”
The well-dwelling tot was reported missing over a week ago when he failed to return after a day of unaccompanied spelunking in a part of town notorious for its deep uncapped wells.
Luckily for the injured parties, emergency services were already on the scene and they immediately started bandaging one another, popping pain pills, and inoculating themselves against rabies.
“Hell yes, rabies! Who knows what was festering and breeding down in that hellhole with him?” asked Martin Phelps, an EMT whose left ear had served as an appetizer for young Jamie. “Rats? Bats? Feral hogs? Mischievous gnomes? I’m not taking any chances.”
The chaos quickly subsided once the police arrived and took down the cannibalistic child with a tranquilizer dart to the groin.
“You know how much flippin’ paperwork this is gonna be?” groused Officer Pete Paunch, a handsome but troubled policeman who was the first on the scene. “I almost wish Lassie hadn’t told us the kid was down there.”