Citizens Group Demands Bird Baths Open to All Dirty Animals
ANN ARBOR, MI – A group of concerned citizens calling themselves NMFA, or No More Filithy Animals, disrupted a city council meeting on Thursday with vociferous demands to stop perpetuating the “avian only” status for the city’s bird baths.
“This is blatant anti-mammalism!” yelled one particularly angry attendee who refused to be identified for fear of being identified. “Why should we provide free, voter-subsidized cleansing stations for our feathered friends and deny the very real health and social benefits of public bathing to our filthy furry brethren?”
Armed with protest signs screaming “Go Ahead, Bathe My Stray” and “Only You Can Prevent Filthy Ferrets,” along with makeshift posters depicting the matted fur of disheveled house pets and unkempt woodland creatures, the roughly two dozen protestors continually interrupted the proceedings to air their grievances.
“What’s next? Birds only drinking fountains?” ranted a local woman dressed as a mangy chipmunk. “Or sending beavers to the back of the bus?” She then led the unruly group in a chant of “Give a Hoot, Wash Your Newt,” that quickly devolved into angry shouting.
City Councilman Nate Mancini tried in vain to bring the meeting under control, but was unable to quell the unrest.
“Where are the bear baths? The sheep showers? The titmouse tubs?!?” demanded an increasingly agitated man in a “Just Douche It” T-shirt. “You’ve got dozens of these marbleized bird bath pedestals littering our cityscape, but is there even one designated spot where I can hose off my weasel?”
The NMFA organizers warned that if the city council didn’t vote to provide funding for immediate expansion of the number and type of critter cleansing facilities in the city, they will take it upon themselves to remove the existing baths.
“If one of us is unbathed, then none of us are clean!” shouted an infuriated mother of two small chihuahuas.
City officials urged the crowd not to throw the baby out with the bird bath water and stated that any soak site vigilantes would be prosecuted to the furthest extent of the law.
The city council meeting adjourned shortly after midnight without having come to any resolution on the matter at hand, nor did they resolve the scheduled topic for the night’s meeting, gerrymandering.
“Personally, I don’t think any creature, fish or fowl, has the right to do their ablutions in public,” said a city hall janitor attending the proceedings. “That’s why I haven’t washed up in weeks.”