WOMAN GIVES BIRTH TO BIGFOOT BABY!
The birth in Oregon last week of a 36-inch long, 75-pound baby covered in thick orange hair has put both the Bigfoot enthusiast community and the loose amalgamation of conspiracy minded OB-GYNs into a rabid tizzy.
“If this turns out to be true,” said Snee Whipple, lifelong amateur Sasquatch hunter and part time gigolo “my life will not have been totally in vain. I told you, Mom!”
Born at 2:52 AM on April 4th, the hairy little whippersnapper became the talk of the hospital and has already garnered the nickname “Link” from the nursing staff, short for “Missing Link.”
“I hate to disappoint everyone,” sighed Gloria Fitzgibbons, mother of the infant in question. “But it’s not a sasquatch. It’s just a little hairy. My husband is Italian. And I resent the implication that I’ve been having an extramarital affair with a cryptid. Not that there’s anything wrong with cryptids. Some of them can be very attractive.”
A dejected wet nurse confirmed that the newborn’s feet are “normal sized” and not even a little “ape-like.”
“Look, I get it,” Ms. Fitzgibbons continued. “The media has a 24-hour news cycle to fill. But I’ve had Discovery Channel cameramen sneaking into my hospital room dressed as candy stripers, Animal Planet goons stealing DNA samples from my tapioca, and NCIS Kalamazoo barging in with elephant guns to bag my baby. I’ve got half a mind to shove him back inside and go home!”
When asked about the rumor that her first child was half-human and half wolf, Ms. Fitzgibbons quickly set the record straight.
“Oh, that one’s true. One hundred percent. Lock your doors.”