Time Traveler Says Mutants and Freaks Rule the Future:
Fully Grown Bat Boy is President!
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WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning revelation, self-proclaimed time traveler, Hyram Trowbridge, revealed to government officials this week that America will soon be overrun with, and ruled by, hideous mutants and freaks. “They control everything,” the disheveled and often incoherent time jumper said, “There are subhuman monkey-men in Congress, terrifying ghouls in the Supreme Court, and the creature you call Bat Boy is President of the United States!” The agitated temporal-traveler then hastily sketched out a picture of Bat Boy -- much older and tamer than the 13-year-old half-human, half-bat that we’re familiar with -- dressed in an impeccable three-piece suit inside the Oval Office. “You may think of Bat Boy as an innocent,” he continued, “A victim of cruel circumstance. But in my time, he has grown into a true monster… a political monster who crushes all opposition with cruel laws, endless jail sentences, or an unprovoked bite on the neck.” “Humans become second class citizens,” he wailed, “Forced to do the bidding of their evil, mutant captors. President Boy himself has a dozen young women brought into the Lincoln Bedroom every week for God only knows what!” White House authorities were unable to confirm Trowbridge’s claim of having “leapt across the boundaries of time,” as his memory of specific facts and dates was hazy due to the rigors of time travel. “I may not know who won the World Series or why we abolished the country of France,” Trowbridge told White House security, “but I know my mission: To warn the human race… before it’s too late.” ** This journalistic expose by Scott Peterson was originally published in the Weekly World News. |