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  • Links
  • About
  • Video
  • Audio
  • Found
  • Comics
  • Words
    • Scott Poem
    • God Looks Through Ozone Hole
    • Infant's Finger Painting
    • Lady Satan Rehashed
    • Poltergeist Proof
    • Innocent Goat Man
    • Bowl of Mush
    • 200 Celebration
    • Earthworms
    • Why My Willy is Like Icons of the 70's
    • AI Writes Transformative Hotdog Song
    • Ghost of Widow's Husband
    • Babies Are Useless
    • Monk Urine Is Cleaner
    • George Santos Lies
    • BTS: What Does it Mean
    • Zookeeper Cuts Off Arm
    • HYDROMAN REHASHED
    • I Watch the Super Bowl
    • Tales of Terror - Hold My Hand
    • Oh How He Sat
    • The Change
    • You Got the Lyrics Wrong, Dilweed
    • Woman Chokes on Fortune Cookie
    • The Moon Must Be Stopped
    • Quora Questions
    • My Husband's Inappropriate Remarks
    • Family is a Cult
    • The Price of Success
    • Tales of Terror: The Baby
    • Spot the Differences Army of Darkness
    • I'm All Over It
    • Automatic Thank You Letter
    • Clueless Man
    • What's Buggin You?
    • Child's Playmate is Son of Satan
    • Ask An Expert
    • True Tales of Terror: High Beams
    • Slander Zendaya Buries Puppies Alive
    • Henry Cavill Fired as Superman: Races to Horse to be Paralyzed
    • Crappy Little Free Library Is No Amazon
    • Christmas Wish List
    • Extremist Americans Furious With Extremist Germans
    • Batman vs Hulk
    • Elon Musk Fires Himself
    • Congrats on Your Dumb Baby
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    • Ukrainian Mad about Plants
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    • Slander: Britney Spears
    • Elevator Operator
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    • Best Horror
    • Slander: Harry Styles
    • Beautiful Pony
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Sad Depressed Dad Holds Useless Baby

BABIES ARE USELESS


Have you ever seen a baby
Squirming out of some fat lady
And you wonder what the fuss is all about?
 
It looks like a pile of jelly.
Kind of noisy.  Kind of smelly.
Well there's one thing I can say without a doubt:
 
Babies are useless.
Completely super-fluss.
They contribute nothing to society.
Babies are leeches
With nothing to teach us
But how to eat and burp and poop and pee.
 
The whining little nippers
Can't even fetch your slippers
And god forbid they try to use a knife.
They can't cook or clean.
Or even read a magazine
And they can't hold a job to save their life.
 
Why put on the planet                        
A beast devoid of talent
Whose survival depends totally on others?
They'll steal your last dime
And take up all your time
And turn your lovely wives into their mothers!
 
The world is too darn full                                           
Of a species for whom drool
Is their ultimate and final contribution.
I demand we have a ban
On all children under ten
And we write it in the U.S. Constitution!       

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