ASK AN EXPERT
Chances are, he won’t answer -- he’s got better things to do -- but you can always try!
I have a question. During intercourse, my penis heats up to such a degree that it spews hot steam and whistles. It burns my partner and has garnered me a most embarrassing nickname. What can I do?
Steamboat Willie, Orlando, FL
What army does the Surgeon General command? I have to write a paper.
Billy Nosegoblin, Ms. SnotMarple’s 4th Grade Class
Can you tell me what this dream means? I dreamed last night that I was eating these huge white, fluffy marshmallows. And when I woke up… my pillow was bright red with blood. I had chewed off my own hand.
Dan Dobson, Los Angeles, CA
Hypothetically if both of your parents were gunned down in front of you when you were a small boy, would you: A) Cry a lot, but grow up to be more independent in the long run. B) Cry a lot and always have trouble making close emotional ties for fear of losing someone again. Or C) Put on tights and ears and fight crime with bat-shaped paraphernalia?
Bruce Wayne, Gotham City
Why do extremist groups use the Bible to support the things they believe? I mean, taken out of context, there are passage in the Good Book that advocate sodomy, breast-feeding in restaurants, and fellating baby goats. Where will it end?
The Agnostic Faith League
If Superman was to vs. to Hulk, who woulda won? Howsabout Thor and Hulk, huh? Or Captain America against Little Lotta? The Richie Rich – Aquaman bout? Or what about the X-Men vs. Jennifer Coolidge from White Lotus? Or what say you and me, right here, right now, huh?
Dirk “I’ve Got Issues” Bulltrots
Last night my girlfriend and I were having sex and in the heat of passion she cried out “Fred!” Should I be worried?”
This morning my girlfriend and I were having sex and in the heat of passion I cried out “Fred!” Now should I be worried?
Today, Fred and I were having sex and in the heat of passion he cried out “I’m going to carve your heart out and eat it for lunch!” Should I be worried?