SO YOU’RE GOING TO HELL!
Let’s be honest. Most of us are going to hell. And we’re all going to spend a considerable amount of time there. So it’s natural to wonder what awaits us in the fiery pits of Hades. Hopefully, this instructive guide will help.
First off, you should know that there are seven layers of hell, but not in the way Dante described them.
The first, highest layer is “The Badlands.” It’s reserved for most of us. The folks who cheat on their taxes, tell white lies to their spouses, and spend a lot of “alone time” in the bathroom. These people endure an eternity of being fibbed to: “Oh yeah, you get to go to heaven in just a few more days. Really.”
The layer below that is “Inferno.” Very hot. This molten level contains all the really stupid teenagers who work at McDonalds and Taco Bell, the ones who can’t seem to get anything right. It’s not their fault that they’re so dumb, but they have to be punished nonetheless.
The next layer is the “Citadel of Hellfire,” and this puppy is filled with everyone’s ex-girlfriends, ex-boyfriends, ex-wives, and ex-husbands. There’s no real extra punishment here except that they all have to spend every moment until the end of time with one another.
“Entertainer’s Row of Damnation” is fourth from the top. It contains everyone you hate who really WORKS to make you hate them: Morning talk show hosts, local news “personalities,” tween celebrities, and former SNL actors. They are forced to watch the streaming companies eternally profit from their work while they get no residuals… just like on Earth.
“The Demonic Hall of Shame” is the fifth level of hell and tends to fill up with the evil scum of society: bosses and managers, cops, lawyers, plumbers, and cable repairmen, clerks who are snooty to you despite the fact that they work in retail, frat boys who institutionalize misogyny, racism, elitism, and being a douche… all those people who take pleasure in making your life a living hell. Punishment for these scum-suckers involves a long line of everyone they’ve ever hurt, each with a blunt instrument: golf clubs, branding irons, rusty street signs, etc.
The sixth layer, second from the bottom is “Level 6.” Clearly, they ran out of decent names for levels by now. Anyway, on this tier, the most horrific, repulsive abominations are tormented with ear-piercing screams, blinding lights, and white-hot anal probes over and over for time beyond time. The only person on this level is Elon Musk.
The lowest, darkest, evilest, cruelest, worstest level is called “Satan’s Bunghole.” Murderers, kidnappers, and the like reside here with Beelzebub, aka the Lord of the Underworld, Satan himself. But basically, it’s a non-stop party. Open bar, amazing music, all-you-can-eat appetizers. I mean, why would the Father of Lies punish these guys for doing his bidding their entire lives? Woot woot!
We hope that this brief overview of the pit of despair has been helpful to you and perhaps provided you with a modicum of relief. No matter how bad the infernal regions can be, you can be assured that they’ll never get as bad as going to Arizona.