Slander!

30 YEARS IN PRISON FOR ALEC BALDWIN; AGENT GETS TEN PERCENT
Actor/producer Alec Baldwin received a thirty-year prison sentence on Monday for his involvement in the accidental shooting of cinematographer Halyna Hutchins on the set of the film Rust, and his long-time CAA agent Matt DelPiano will be facing three years behind bars, his traditional ten percent commission.
 
“It’s only fair,” said entertainment reporter Maria Menounos during a break from filming her annoying First Lookinfotainment pieces to be shown to captive movie theater audiences before the traditional twenty-to-thirty minutes of trailers. “If his agent gets 10% of the positive, he should also get 10% of the negative. I’m Maria Menounos and you’re watching First Look!”
 
Baldwin, best known for his ridiculously large brood of less attractive “actor” brothers and for screaming at his 11-year-old daughter that she was a “thoughtless little pig,” has also done occasional work as an actor on such productions as Boss Baby, Thomas the Tank Engine, and Beetlejuice. At age 64, it is unlikely that the 30 Rock and SNL performer will live long enough to finish his sentence, more likely dying alone and forgotten in a dark cell at the Twin Towers Correctional Facility, but DelPiano at a sprightly 53, has more than enough gas in the tank to run out the clock on his three years in the clink.
 
A press release issued by CAA immediately following the hearing declared their unequivocal support of Baldwin as a way of making money, but tried to distance themselves from Baldwin’s actual actions and their serious legal consequences. 
 
“It serves him right,” said former president Donald Trump, a frequent target of Baldwin’s lampooning on late night television. “He’s a loser, biggly, he’s sick, and I would never say that, but a lot of people have been saying that, that he’s sick in the head and why aren’t people asking about his missing emails? It’s, he’s, really, I mean maybe, who knows, he could be responsible for a whole lot of deaths that we don’t even know about. Ask yourself that.”