ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S PRIVATE PORN COLLECTION FOUND
WASHINGTON, D.C. – A treasure trove of 19th Century pornography was discovered during recent renovations at the White House, and experts have verified that they are the work of our revered 16thPresident, Abraham Lincoln.
“Don’t let the dignified beard and stove-pipe hat fool you,” stated federal investigator John DesJardin, “The only thing Honest Abe wanted to emancipate was women from their clothing!”
Uncovered in a hidden recess behind the east wall of the Lincoln bedroom were well over four score and seven of his self-published dirty magazines… photo-filled, hand-bound girlie-mags ranging from “Log Cabin Ladies” to “Pony Express: Bareback!” A photo of Mary Todd Lincoln, clearly extensively “air-brushed” by a local artisan, graced one centerfold, her unmentionables barely covered by a tattered American flag. Her “Favorite Things” are listed as “moonlit dinners, long walks, and the Burning of Atlanta,” while her “pet peeves” included scratchy beards, corsets, and mean people.
Foregoing the popular concept that people “only buy it to read the articles,” Lincoln filled his porno periodicals with as much filth as any homesteader could stomach. This brief bit of uncredited text on the editor’s page of “Rotund and Randy” is the only incriminating evidence of Lincoln’s involvement:
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that life, liberty, and the pursuit of nude models are inalienable rights of the citizenry of a nation united. To that end, we shall endeavor, with increased devotion, to dedicate ourselves to the enduring task of ensuring that erotic publications of the people, by the people, and for the people, shall not perish from the Earth.”
“It’s not all that surprising to us,” said historical expert Adam Radinsky of the Lincoln Library Foundation. “He grew up in a cabin surrounded by animals, so we can assume he’d been very uninhibited sexually since early on.” Radinsky noted that Lincoln is hardly the only White House occupant who has dabbled in the skin trade. He cited George Bush Sr. (“Read My Lips” Monthly, and a book of erotic poetry simply entitled “Bush”), as well as Bill Clinton (too numerous to detail.)
What was surprising to everyone involved was the fact that the former Congressman from Illinois had created what appears to be the first X-rated "video” in history. Using a series of photos taken in rapid succession, no doubt by White House photographer Matthew Brady, Lincoln created a flip-book to create the illusion of motion. Entitled “The Gettysburg Undressed,” the short movie established all the standard elements of today’s pornographic cinema: low production value, atrocious acting, and a flimsy excuse for a story involving a sweaty Confederate soldier and a bored housewife.
“Perhaps most astonishing,” Radinsky noted, “Was that we were able to identify the male lead of Lincoln’s lewd production: the infamous John Wilkes Booth.” Extensive research leads the historian to believe that the “movie” was made in early 1865, mere months or even weeks before the actor assassinated the President at Ford’s Theater in Washington.
“Obviously we’re going to investigate this further,” DesJardin told a crowded press room, “If our nation’s greatest leader was murdered by a neurotic porn star who didn’t like the way his back porch looked on camera, that adds an entirely new spin to the case.”
As speculations and accusations multiply, federal investigators will also have to wrestle with these disturbing questions: Despite abolishing slavery, wasn’t Lincoln making sex-slaves of his underpaid actresses? Was Secretary of State William H. Seward assisting as an on-set fluffer? Did the lanky Lincoln himself have aspirations of sultry stardom, but fell short of the requirements? And a question that perhaps only time can answer: Once his carnal collection hits the internet, will it become Lincoln’s true memorial?
** This journalistic expose by Scott Peterson was originally published in the Weekly World News.